For BETTER or worse.

So, it looks like it has been about two years since I've written a blog post. Whoa! A lot of things have changed since then (Hello, Texas and Avery!), but we can talk about that later. I just came here to get something off of my chest.

  I'm sure this won't be a popular opinion and as usual I don't really care (not that much has changed in two years). But, here it is, when I got married I remember vowing in sickness AND in health, for better AND for worse. No where did it say to ignore the person who's doing okay. Of course if we are ill or upset we are gonna need some extra attention. Of course if things are headed towards "worse" we should work diligently to change that. I get it, I don't disagree with it. All I'm saying is that when our marriage seems good and things are running pretty near to smooth we can't become complacent or they won't be that smooth for too long. And if your spouse seems to be doing okay it doesn't become acceptable to ignore them. You always hear people say "But you promised to be here in sickness and when times are hard" and it's true, that was promised. I will be here. But will you be there when I'm not crying, but I still want to hold your hand? Will you be completely present when I'm not hurting, but I still want a friend to talk to? Will you  walk with me through life when it's not chaotic and I don't need your help, but I just want your attention? Will you rub my back and tuck me in when I'm not shaking with fever, but I just want time with my lover? Will you keep your end of the deal and not just be my helpmate, but also my soulmate? I need you when things are scary or sad or hard, but sometimes I need you more when things are okay.

Things that go through my mind regularly....and sometimes out of my mouth

This blog is just for me to get my thoughts out. It probably won't be too interesting or funny, but it's just a little list of things I think about.

  1. Today I came across a post where a stay at home mother was trying to demand respect for her choice to stay home and the comments that came flying in were disturbing at best. Now a few things irritated me about this: 1.) The mother came off as not only pathetic, but also very self righteous. You shouldn't feel like you need to defend yourself or your choices if you are doing what you know is best for your family. Who cares what Facebook thinks? Sure, it's fun and even healthy to debate occasionally, but to get all worked up and start listing off every little thing you do is unnecessary and just plain annoying. 2.) There was a very clear lack of respect for women who choose to stay home. There were men and women alike calling this mother lazy and useless and saying she is basically a prostitute, because she has sex with her husband to keep a roof over her head. How absurd! It just confirmed how screwed up this world is. Women aren't allowed to stay home and raise their babies without being called lazy and prostitutes. And then someone had the nerve to say that if this woman's husband didn't have to provide for her and the kids he wouldn't need a job...at this point I started seeing red and that brings me to number 3.) If you have ONE job you are NOT sacrificing a darn thing!! You aren't sacrificing for your kids, you aren't sacrificing for your spouse, you are doing what YOU need to do to survive. How does having a family change the fact that you need to work? Single people need food and shelter too, which leads me to believe that whether or not me and the kids were around my husband would still have to work. So, unless you are out working two or three jobs then please don't start whining about all you sacrifice. That's not to say that I don't appreciate my husband, I do. And, I have been blessed with a man who wants me to stay home and raise the kids and supports me and even sticks up for me and OUR choice if need be. All, I'm saying is don't expect a pat on the back for doing the bare minimum (Stay at home mothers included).

  2.) For quite some time I have been struggling with feeling like a failure as a mother because my husband and I decided to send our oldest child to public school. I try to be as involved as I can. (and for the sake of lists that I hate) I go on field trips, I show up to every school function he has, I buy stuff from his school to support it financially, I do all his homework with him and make sure it is neat and not sloppy, I am excited to work on his projects with him and go shopping for school supplies he needs, I listen to everything his teacher says and support her and reaffirm her authority in his life, so that he knows I'm on her side and he needs to listen to her and respect her and I always have a positive attitude about anything regarding his school. Heck! I'm about to join the PTA!!! Yet, I still feel like I'm coming up short and failing him. I feel guilty that my five year old is spending over six and a half hours away from me every day. I feel horrible when he comes home feeling sick or with a bandaid that a nurse had to put on him.
  Growing up, I was homeschooled and so were a lot of my friends. Our mothers were viewed as super heroes. People would tell them how wonderful they were and thank them for their huge sacrifice. They would tell them what a huge service they were doing for their kids and how much we would benefit from it and I did! My mother was very dedicated to us and our education and she was an amazing teacher. She was/is extremely patient, smart, organized and committed. We all graduated high school and got jobs, because of her. None of the homeschooling  stigmas apply to us, we aren't socially awkward, we aren't stupid, we didn't do school in our pajamas or sleep in til noon, we did school every day and (gasp!) even had homework sometimes. And, I wish that I could be that super hero for my son. BUT, I know that I can't.
  Because of how I was raised I feel like I'm doing my precious little boy a huge disservice. In my head I know that for right now public school is better for him and he is doing very well. But, in my heart sometimes I feel really sad. I guess all I can do is focus on all the positives. He is excellent at making friends and learning. Ryan has an amazing memory and he is like a sponge, he absorbs everything and picks up new things very quickly. He understands things at his age that really surprise me. My five year old is learning to read and spell and I am so excited and proud of him. And, most of all this doesn't have to be permanent. If it doesn't work out or if he starts struggling down the road I have the option to homeschool....or hire a tutor ;)

  Well, that's all for now. I have to go put my sweet and spicy girl down for a nap. I guess this kinda turned into two blogs in one..lol! That's what happens when you haven't blogged in a while. I'm sure I'll blog again shortly and I'm almost positive that my big over opinionated mouth will have gotten me into trouble before that happens.

Let me count the ways...

  Lately I have been thinking a lot about how much I love my kids. Maybe, it's because both of my boys started some type school this year or maybe it's because everyone we come in contact with is amazed at how well Eva speaks for her age (they can't believe that she just turned two a few weeks ago) or maybe it's because it's almost Fall and for some reason that season always makes me more nostalgic. Whatever the reason my kids and how lucky I am to have them has been on my mind a lot.

                                    Why I love Ryan

 1. Ryan loves life! No matter what's going on he's excited about it. He was so happy to start school, it made it easier for me to let him go and helped set my mind at ease.
2. Ryan speaks his mind. Plain and simple, you never have to wonder what he thinks of you or a situation.
3. Ryan is great at making friends! Boy, girl, kid or adult it doesn't matter. He loves to talk and play.
4. Ryan is an awesome older brother. He looks out for both Mason and Eva and helps me take care of them and entertain them.
5. Ryan started it all, he's my first born, the one who made me a mom. He has shown me how to love unconditionally and how to never ever give up.
                                                             
                                                                  Why I love Mason

 1. Mason is patient. He takes the time to build with legos or put together a puzzle. He studies things and figures out how they work.
2. Mason is extremely loving. He loves to give people hugs and kisses and I think he is happiest when we are cuddling.
3. Mason is sensitive. He's quick to pick up on how I'm feeling and always wants me to be happy.
4. Mason is a lot like his daddy. Learning to understand him and finding what it takes to comfort him and make him smile has helped me be a better wife to Brad.
5. Mason is my middle child, he made Ryan a big brother and he taught me that you never run out of love, because it just keeps growing.

                                                                   Why I love Eva
                                                             

  1.Eva is fiesty! She's not afraid of anything or anyone and anything the boys do she has to do too.

 2. Eva is a girly girl. She loves all things princess and if I put pants on her she cries and tries to rip them off. I have to distract her with something else while I'm dressing her on the really cold days when

a little skirt just won't do.

3. Eva loves her brothers. She gets so excited when they finally wake up in the morning and when they get hurt she loves kissing them and rubbing their backs.

4. Eva is very out going. Her first word was "Hi!", she talks to everyone she sees, especially other kids and if we are at a playground she claps and cheers for them when they come down the slide.

5. Eva is my last born, my only little girl. She is very different from the boys and has given me the chance to see what raising a brave and determined little girl will be like.

My kids might just seem ordinary to most people, just three average kids out of the millions in this world, but to this momma they are uniquely and wonderfully perfect. To me these three blessings are one in a million. 

Mom fails.

  Let's face it, most of us try really hard to be good moms, but there are days or in some cases (mine) weeks where we just can't seem to pull it off. I figured I'd share a few of my fails to make any other moms reading this feel a little bit better about theirs :)....and because unless it's documented people probably wouldn't believe me. So, here goes...

1.) You might be cleaning too much and not paying enough attention to your kids if this happens:

Eva decided to go for a swim...fully clothed.

Ryan overflowed the tub and tried using blankets to clean up. 

2.) You might be trying to take the easy (lazy) way out if you buy your child a potty training watch...why, yes it is shaped like a little toilet.

Notice the missing pants. We were hoping one less article of clothing to remove would help along the potty training process.....nope.

  3.) You might be a little frazzled and just want your kid to smile instead of constantly whining if you let this happen:

Yep, Ryan removed his shoes while we were at the playground. He swore it felt so much better and he could go faster down the slide...whoohoo!!

  4.) You might be trying to encourage self expression....and failing!...if your kids walk around like this (I promise it was indoors only! Please don't call CPS).:

Eva's thugging it in her awesome Dora hat and her princess skirt...I may need to invest in more colors than just red.

After this catastrophe happened I felt it was my duty to explain that we don't mix and match our favorite pieces of clothing from different categories (i.e. church socks, pajama bottoms and a play shirt). It was a good attempt though and all his privates are covered, so I'm giving him a B+.

  So, there you have it. I am not perfect...and neither is my house...not even close! Things happen and I am one of those crazy mothers who photograph first and yell explain gently second. I often times lie awake in bed at night long after everyone else is snoring (Brad) and try and come up with ways to be better, have less chaotic days, show my kids how much they mean to me, get my kids to eat healthier, get myself to eat healthier, etc. I mean I look around at other moms with amazing bodies, perfect well behaved kids and spotless homes, who spend their days with their jogging strollers and reading a thousand books to their well advanced children and I wonder what I did wrong. But, in those final moments right before my eyelids finally flutter shut and don't open back up I remember Eva's kiss and "I love you too" and Mason's "Wow, Mom, you're beautiful!" and Ryan saying "I can't wait to wake up tomorrow and go to the playground." and I am reminded that my kids are happy and that's all I really want.

Just nice.

  When I was a little girl my father said something to me that has stuck with me ever since and as I have gotten older I have noticed it to be quite true. My dad pointed out that people can never seem to give a compliment or honor someone without also mentioning something negative. Ever since that day I have looked and listened for people to just say something positive and it very rarely happens. It's always "Even though my husband annoys me I love him" or "My kids drive me up the wall, but they are so cute" or " I just want to honor my parents even if even though we didn't always get along". I have been guilty of doing this myself and it really bothers me.
  Bottom line we are all human, we all screw up...a lot. We have all hurt someone, annoyed someone, messed up, etc. But, how many of us want that thrown in our face? Why can't we escape it even during a "compliment"? What drives us to point out everyone else's flaws, masking it with a smile on our face and a nice word or two? What's the problem with pointing out the positive and just swallowing down the rest? We might actually start to really like people if we weren't so concentrated on what's "wrong" with them.

  I for one am going to make a conscious effort to give real compliments, to make people smile and not wonder if I really do like them or not and I'll start right here. My husband is my best friend and the love of my life. Every day that I wake up I feel really lucky to have him. Just this morning I was laying in bed wondering how the heck I got him. He's patient with me and he makes me smile a lot. He's worth everything to me and I would do anything for him just to see him smile. I love making him happy and making him laugh. I will always support him no matter what we come up against and I will always have his back. I will always be the girl that loves him the most. We are a team and we will be on the same team for forever.
  It's not hard to speak positively, especially when it's about those that you love. Try it.

Accomplishing the little things.

 Well, friends I have met my goal of starting to drive myself around. I really had no choice when I decided that I needed to continue with Mason's speech therapy here in Alaska. Back in New York the company that we were working with sent the therapists out to your home, but here in Alaska they don't have enough resources to do that, so despite my irrational fear of learning my new surroundings and getting behind the wheel of our vehicle without any passenger side help from Brad I had to get out and get going. And, I'm so glad that I did!! I feel like I have a new freedom and as silly as this sounds I get so proud of myself when I reach a new destination. I always text Brad to let him know that I made it and that I'm not lost or dead and because he is so amazing he always acts like he is so happy for me...lol! I always get a "Yea!" or "Awesome, babe!" text back from him and it makes me giggle, because I feel like one of the kids, who needs positive reenforcement just to get simple tasks done, but I don't care...it works!

  When I first got here it was all about comparing the differences of Alaska and New York. New York has better malls, the city area is nicer, the fast food is better..LOL!..etc. But, since living here I have come to love the scenery. Back in Rochester when driving to the store I didn't have beautiful snow capped mountains to look at. To the left are some pics that I took while driving home from church last night (let's not waste time worrying about if I pulled off to the side of road before breaking out the iPhone to snap some pics.).  It's beautiful!! When I first got here Brad told me the view would get old, but it hasn't yet and I hope it never does. The other thing that New York doesn't have is Brad, my absolute favorite person in the whole world. Even if Alaska didn't have the beauty of it's majestic mountains it would still be better than New York, because it holds my heart.     

Eva the Diva: My heart and soul

  I always wanted a daughter. Just one. One perfect little girl that I could have fun playing dress up with and go on mommy/daughter dates to get pedicures and eat coffee ice cream. My first two babies were boys and I loved them to pieces. They were perfect. Happy, healthy, chubby babies. But, when I found out I was pregnant for a third time all of that "I just want a healthy baby" nonsense goodness went out the window. I wanted a girl, darnit! And, I got her.
  I don't even know how to put into words what Eva Grace means to me. Saying I feel lucky or blessed just doesn't seem to accurately describe the overwhelming love I have for her. She is everything I ever dreamt of. She is funny, smart, beautiful, outgoing, stubborn...simply lovely. She also talks with a little lisp that is to die for. I find myself making her say words with the letter "s" in them, just so I can hear it and feel my heart smile. How can I not take out my phone and snap a picture when she poses herself on top of her diapers (see above) and says "Cheesthe!"
  Today we went to the store. I had so much to get, I had been putting it off for a while and so I did what any insane mother would do..I let my 19 1/2 month old daughter walk around. She actually did really well and she loved it! She had so much fun pointing out everything that she thought was "Cute!" (her new favorite word) . I had so much fun watching her that I didn't realize what a hellion Mason was being until I looked up and saw another mother staring in disbelief and possibly disgust with her two kids sitting perfectly in the cart staring at my kids (wishing their mom was cool enough to let them run in circles around the aisle, I'm sure). I smiled sheepishly and scooped up Eva while yelling at Mason to hold onto the shopping cart and stop running around. I made a beeline for the check out, no need to entertain the the confused and disturbed public any longer. I mean really? Children out of the cart having a little fun?? The horror!
  Once we finished checking out a nice young man helped us out to the car and Eva was smitten. She was staring at him pointing out how "Cute!" he was and she even threw an "Awe!" in there. It's moments like that that I realize how much payback I have coming to me for the way I was as a child. She might be trouble when she's older and I may or may not believe in locking my children in their rooms until the teen years pass, but right now she's my little angel face and she can pretty much do no wrong.
  I hope that one day when she is grown we can remain close and form a friendship. I hope that she looks up to me and thinks I'm a great mom, but most of all I hope she'll be able to look back on her childhood and time spent at home and be able to feel all of love that I have for her and I hope that she will know that she was and is an answer to a prayer that I held in my heart for a long while.

Don't mind the nudist in the background. All of his important parts are covered.