Finding out what's important

For those of you looking for a funny or lighthearted read keep going. Maybe, it's because of a "conversation" that I just had with the person that I love the most, maybe it's because that person just left today on a business trip or maybe it's because of my pregnancy hormones, but whatever the reason I am feeling more contrite and poignant than silly or sarcastic. For those of you that know me that is probably a big shock, but here goes...
After questioning my husband about why we aren't quite on the same page lately and why I was feeling disconnected from him, it was brought to my attention that people aren't gonna stick around and try to connect when they are put down all the time and made to feel worthless. I don't know why this came as a complete shock to me, but it did. Not the whole people not wanting to be treated like garbage part, but the fact that my husband felt like I treated him that way. I literally felt like the breath had been knocked out of me. What?! Me?! Making the person I care about the most feel like dirt to the point that they didn't feel like being around me?! Ouch! What a serious wake up call.
After reminding myself to breathe the first thing I did was apologize and tried to make him believe that I really and truly love him.
The next thing I did was reflect. I thought about previous conversations and arguments. I thought about how bad my attitude can be or how nasty I can get when I'm stressed. I even thought about my body language. When was the last time I had reached out to hold his hand or stood on my tippy toes to give him a smooch? Why couldn't I say "I love you" or "You're awesome!" as opposed to "You don't change enough diapers" or "Really? A short check? How about getting to work on time?!". Why can't I just be happy and content with the many, many blessings I have. Like, the fact that my husband has a job and the fact that there are diapers to change and we aren't struggling with conceiving. Is it really necessary to roll my eyes, shrug my shoulders or smirk in response to my husband's best efforts?
For a moment I felt panicky. My marriage isn't bad or falling apart. We have our ups and downs like everyone else, but in that moment it crossed my mind that life is not guaranteed. What if my husband, the one person I got to choose to be related to, ended up in a freak accident and dying? What if the last thing he ever thought about me was that I didn't appreciate him and didn't have anything positive to say to him? This may all seem so cheesy and cliche, but I was really horrified with myself and disgusted at the way I had been treating my bestfriend. The worst part is that we had this conversation over text three days before he was supposed to leave on his trip.
I remembered something that my pastor's wife had shared with the ladies. She said if we had bad attitudes or let negativity and stress dictate our attitudes then our whole house would be in chaos. You see, we women set the tone for our homes. If we are prayed up and don't let the stresses of life dictate our moods then we can set the tone for a calm, peaceful and joyful household. I took that to heart and tried to make the last few days count.
I stopped nagging, grumbling and complaining. I let the little things and minor annoyances slide without a rude or sarcastic comment. I tried being appreciative and being more affectionate. I tried adopting a calm light hearted spirit. Of course I'm still a work in progress, but I liked the new me and I hope my husband did as well.
My new goal is not how much I can get done around the house or keeping a tally of who does what. It's not to save enough money to buy really great stuff for our new home or make my husband leave early enough, so that we can get every penny we can. My new goal is to make sure that the person I committed to spending the rest of my life with knows just how special he is and how lucky I feel to have made that commitment to him and how exited I am to keep that commitment.

"I do"
September 9, 2005

The lovely truths about birth...Warning: Not so lovely!

So, lately I have been thinking a lot about birth...my last birth experience to be exact. Probably because I am expecting again. So far I have given birth to two rambuctious boys. The first via Cesarian Section and the second via....well, ya know, the good old fashioned way;-) It's the second birth, the "natural" birth, that has me worried. Can you even classify that as natural?! I don't think so, but here I am again. I tell myself that I just get pregnant for the great parking spots, but it's gotta be something more than that to make me put my once very nice body through all of this for a third time.
My mind keeps going back to the hospital room on the day of November 17, 2009. Six days before my due date. It's been twelve hours, two and a half of that has been pure pushing...and screaming. The doctors actually shut the door, so I wouldn't scare the other mommy's to be. I am at my breaking point...literally. I am imagining a rubber band stretched to it's limit and getting the little tears in it before it finally snaps. All at once everyone starts yelling. The baby is coming. They can see his head pushing through. Everything happens in a matter of minutes, though it seems as if time has slowed waaaay down. I can feel each beat of my heart, hear everyone, including my normally calm and in control mother, screaming that I'm almost there. I feel the nurse grab my hand and try to yank it in-between my legs, so I can "feel" the baby being born. I grab my hand back completely horrified of what I'll feel. No thank you, grabbing my own baby out is not for me. If it was I'd be at home in my bath tub. I chose the hospital for a reason.
That's when the burning sensation stops for a moment and I feel that first pop. The head is out. My husband, not the brightest crayon in the box, leans down and whispers lovingly in my ear "You're almost done. Now you just gotta get the shoulders out." At this point I literally start weeping. I can't explain to you the intense fear and anxiety that took over me in that moment. All of that work just for the head and I still have to get the shoulders out. With those two sentences my husband had taken my feelings of triumph and victory and had replaced them with extreme fear and doubt. I took a deep breath, prayed that our baby would not be a line backer and pushed with everything I had left. Surprisingly the rest of him popped right out. All the fear, doubt and exhaustion melted away. Sure, I was still tired and the work was not quite finished yet. I knew that my placenta still needed to be pushed out, but that was nothing and soon I was holding Mason Xander Wolff for the first time in my arms.
I'm not gonna tell you that I found the birthing process to be easy or even natural. To me pushing a watermelon through the eye of a needle will never be natural. But, I will tell you this...it was worth it.
I now know that my body is capable of giving birth without splitting into two and that my heart is capable of an intense love, that I can't quite describe, without exploding. That right there is why I am doing this again and why I probably won't stop here.

Ryan Charles
January 9, 2008

Mason Xander
November 17, 2009