Unsung hero.

"I cannot think of any need in childhood as strong as the need for a father's protection."
- Sigmund Freud

"A good father is one of the most unsung, unpraised, unnoticed, and yet one of the most valuable assets in our society."
-Billy Graham




It is no secret that most of the time mothers get way more credit than fathers do. Go down any card aisle and you will find a million Mother's Day cards, but not even half as many Father's Day cards. Look at your Facebook newsfeed on Mother's Day and compare it to the newsfeed you see on Father's Day. This is because mothers usually spend much more of their day with the children than fathers do and generally play a much bigger role in the lives of their offspring.
You also always hear of deadbeat fathers or fathers who were really never in the picture at all, other than that one crucial night, but you rarely ever hear a positive story about the men who had a hand in raising us. Fathers are almost villainized in this society.
But, I believe that fatherhood is just as important as motherhood. I, for one, have an amazing father. I have never known a better man. He has been right by my side through every thing that I have gone through. The good and the bad, he's always there. And, I know many other men who have stepped up to the plate and taken their role of daddy seriously. Men, who don't get to spend as much time with their kids as they would like, because they are out working and providing for their families, so that mothers, like myself, can stay home. Men, like my husband. Brad has not seen our children in almost two months and before that it had been four months. He has missed birthdays, holidays and milestones. But, it is because of his sacrifice and his determination to do right by our family that I have been able to stay home with our children. That is not a deadbeat father, that is the ultimate daddy, a hero.
I have seen the differences in children who have had a positive male role model in their lives and those who have not. When you have an awesome father you stand taller, you're not afraid, you are secure, you have confidence, you are kinder and you smile more.
I am truly grateful for every man out there that has taken a stand to be the best father that he can be, a father that works hard and plays harder, a father that lightens the mood and brightens the room as soon as he enters it, a father who is the biggest and strongest daddy in the world, who can defeat any monster under the bed or chase away any bad dream. You are amazing and you are cherished. Your children and the mother of your children are better for having you in their lives. Thank you.

For the momma's.

Do you ever feel like you're an imposter, like you're not really a mom or maybe like you shouldn't be? Do you ever wonder how badly you're messing up your kid(s)? Do you ever wish that you could just be better, maybe like your own mother or another mother that you know? I do. All the time. Sometimes I wonder if people look at me and think "That lady should be fired! Worst babysitter ever!" Two things happened to me this week that kinda put those negative thoughts to rest....at least for a little while :-)
The first thing happened at church on Tuesday night. I was rounding up the kids, trying to get them to settle down and behave for the service. I was thinking how tired I was and how messy I must look. I was hissing at the littles and threatening spankings, while simultaneously promising treats if they would just be quiet. I heard someone calling my name and I turned around with a fake smile plastered to my face. It was a couple, who also have three children a few years older than mine. They told me how they had been watching me the past few services and were amazed at how well I handle the kids and they said I was just glowing and so beautiful. My first thought was to go take a pregnancy test...LOL! Only pregnant women glow, right?! Haha. But as they continued to tell me how wonderful I was and what a great mom I was I started to feel happy and gain confidence in myself as a mother and a lady. But, of course as soon as you start to really think about what just happened the doubts start to come. Like "Maybe they just felt sorry for me" or "They were just being nice because of the holidays." But, those doubts didn't have long to sink in, because the very next day as I was leaving the pharmacy and thinking how hyper the kids were and wondering why I couldn't manage them better I had a complete stranger stop me. I had just finished buckling all the kids into the car and sent a silent prayer up to heaven to give me the strength to get through three kids having pink eye and needing eye drops three times a day for at least five days. When I opened my eyes there was a lady standing there watching me, waiting for the chance to talk to me. She started to smile and she told me what an awesome thing I was doing raising my kids. She told me she knew how hard it was and how she knew that sometimes mothers second guess themselves and wonder if they are fighting a losing battle, but that one day we will see all of our hard work and time and dedication pay off. She said she had six grown children and that they thank her for being there and tell her of things that she did that really helped them that she never thought they would remember. She told me to hang in there and to never regret the sacrifice and hard work, because one day my kids will be grown and they will thrive because of me. And, then she said one thing that I will never forget, she said "I just wanted you to know that I'm routing for you and that I'll be cheering you on." I didn't really know what to say, I didn't know how to tell her what her words meant to me or how thankful I was that she had taken the time to stop and speak words of encouragement to a complete stranger. So, I just smiled and said Thank you. I don't know if she realizes what she did that day, maybe she does, maybe somebody did the same thing for her at one time, but that day she gave this momma the courage to not give up, the courage to do more than just mindlessly float through my day changing diapers and brushing teeth and waiting for something more.
So, I wanted to pass this on to all you wonderful, hard working momma's out there. To the moms with husbands who get to come home at night, to the moms whose husbands are far away working, to the moms who have to go out and work, to the moms who stay home all day with their babies, to the single moms and to the women who may not be biological moms, but who touch a child's life just the same. You are perfect, you are God sent, you are doing the absolute most important thing in the world and I am cheering for you.

Unrest

So many things have been swirling around in my brain. This post probably won't make sense, but I need to get it out.
Brad has been gone for a week now, not too long. I've obviously dealt with worse, but I have been unusually crabby lately. Crabby to the point that Ryan asks me why I hate him and felt the need to announce to everyone on Sunday that "Mom's just grumpy because she's bleeding." Gee, thanks Ryan :-/ Honestly, "mom's" just tired. I'm tired of doing this alone and always feeling behind. It doesn't matter what it is I'm behind on it. Exercise, laundry, bills, sleep...behind!
Then there's Alaska. I feel like it's just a heavy weight hanging over my head waiting to drop. I mean, are we actually ever gonna get there?? Do I even want to go? Ugh :-/ It's part of the US, but we have to treat it like its overseas and jump through hoops just to get there. I just want to hurry up and get there before some deployment takes my husband away and I have to wait another year to see him!! Is that asking too much?! Apparently it is.
Another rub I have is how the army sensationalizes EVERYTHING!! As, you read in a previous post the whole family day/graduation thing was a bust, but anything you ever read is about how great it is and how all the drill sergeants actually really like you and want the best for you...LOL!!!! Not true!
But, it's been like that with everything. It's like they thrive on our disappointment. They tell you one thing and then something completely different takes place. They make it seem like you'll be getting all this extra money for going to an "overseas" base and then once you get there you find out it isn't exactly true. And, everything is so unorganized! You'll have two or three different people telling you something completely different about the same thing. Just get your facts straight! How hard is that??
I think what's really bugging me is that before when Brad was gone I had a specific date to count down to. I knew when I'd be seeing him again. I had something to look forward to. A date to meet goals by. Now, I have nothing. No idea of long this process will take. It's eating away at me, making me restless and anxious; a grumpy mother and an unsympathetic friend. I hate being this way.
I normally end these things with an epiphany of sorts, a "light bulb" moment where I realize how great life is and how much the people in my life mean to me, but today I got nothing. Today I'm just hanging out in limbo wondering if I'm even headed in the right direction. Today I'm just sad.

Rant

This is just a short blog, a rant if you will, to get something off of my chest before I explode and seriously offend someone or worse get into a physical altercation;-)
The next person who feels it their duty to give the advice of "Just follow your heart" might just be the next person I deck. Have you ever heard of worse advice in your life??? I haven't. I don't know if people really want you to follow your heart or if they just say that when they have absolutely no clue what they should say. If you are about to tell someone to follow their heart then just do the world a huge favor and keep your yapper shut.
When you tell someone to follow their heart you are essentially telling them to do what ever the heck they want, to act upon a feeling that more than likely will not last. Good job folks, sound advice...NOT!
Whatever happened to just doing the right thing or being a (wo)man of your word? Whatever happened to actually putting in some real effort, not throwing in the towel at the first sign of trouble? Things like honesty and integrity matter. Your feelings don't. Have we really become so spoiled, so blinded to actually believe that if we "just follow our hearts" everything will work out in the end? The bible says "The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?" I don't really care if you believe in the bible or not, if you look at the world around you and see how people act and treat each other then you know this is true.
Here is my advice: Stop being so selfish! Do what's right whether it makes you FEEL happy or not. Do you think I always FEEL like doing the dishes, that it thrills me to my toes? Come on, people! Grow up already!
The next person who tells me or anyone around me to "follow your heart" might just lose theirs...after all I'd just be following their advice ;-)
Rant over.

Happy Weight....or not.

As of September 3, 2012 I weigh 129 pounds. I read a few years ago that that was my "happy weight" and ever since then that has been my goal. I always felt like if I could stand on the scale and see that number I'd be content with my body. So, imagine my surprise when that was not the case. I'm really not to thrilled with how I look. I imagined my body being much different at my "happy weight". I imagined it being tighter, leaner, sexier. So, thinking that maybe this "happy weight" calculator that I had based my weight loss goals on was a joke I figured out my BMI. According to that calculator the 22.8 I scored is perfectly healthy. In fact, it's right smack dab in the middle of the "normal" zone. I was a bit puzzled at first. How the heck can I have just "aced" two weight tests and still feel myself shudder when I'm standing in front of the mirror nude? Why am I not thrilled? I should be out at Victoria's Secret right now buying myself a sexy little number or two for when my husband comes home in eleven days, but instead I feel like I'd rather wear sweat pants and a large t-shirt and keep the lights off...if ya know what I mean.
Honestly, I kinda felt cheated. I felt like those stupid tests lied to me and set me up for the disappointment I was feeling. I felt like all the jogging I'd been doing was pointless and a waste of time. I felt like I should go back and eat all the sweets and soft drinks I had been passing up.
But, then between last night and me writing this blog I decided to cut myself some slack. It's taken me less than four months to lose 19 pounds. In that time I have started eating better (still not great) and exercising regularly. I can now jog two miles without stopping (very slowly) and my clothes are starting to fall off of me (maybe I shoulda put money away for a new wardrobe first). I'm not where I want to be, but I'm way better than where I was. So, instead of sulking while I shove my face full of junk food I'm gonna go out for another jog today and I'm going to continue to TRY and tighten up my poor abs that were sliced into four and a half years ago.
I have made a new goal for myself. That goal does not consist of a number on a scale. My new goal is to look at myself in the mirror every single day and smile at what I see. I'd like to recognize the fact that my body was not used to sell lingerie and that it never ever will be. My body will never be splashed across a big screen somewhere to make men drool and women hate themselves. Nope, this girl isn't winning any "most beautiful" people awards and I'm okay with that. I really am.
This body has housed three beautiful babies. This body has worked the hardest, not out on a jog, but on a hospital bed giving birth to a new little miracle (3X). And now at 27 years old it's working again at being the best that it can be and it's not giving up any time soon.

Georgia

  As many of you know I went away this week to go see Brad graduate from BCT in Ft. Benning, GA. I imagined this trip to be almost as wonderful as our honeymoon. I planned and dreamed and saved almost from the minute he first left. I had high hopes and high expectations. I packed up my oldest child, a very talkative four year old, and drove to the airport.
  I happen to be very paranoid when it comes to navigating around areas that I am not completely familiar with, so I got to the Rochester airport two hours early...that may have been overkill. We got through security and waited another hour and a half to board our plane...oops! Thankfully at this point in the trip Ryan was still high on excitement and didn't seem to mind the wait.
  When we finally boarded he was bouncing all over the place. He kept opening and shutting the little window until I finally told him to knock it off and he introduced himself to everybody he came into contact with. A few times he even asked a few oldies how old they were :/...thankfully, they all handled it well. We arrived at our layover in Philadelphia with barely a hiccup in our plans. Philadelphia is actually where the hiccups started. I got a call from a friend, whose fiance was in Brad's platoon, saying that a bunch of guys had lost their day passes for Family Day and Graduation. Brad was one of them. I was livid. To make matters worse I found out that it wasn't even his fault. He was being punished for somebody else's screw up and in turn I was being punished. I sucked it up and forged ahead to Atlanta. I was determined to see Brad even if it wasn't for the amount of time that I had been expecting.
  Atlanta didn't have any better news to offer me than Philadelphia did. Atlanta's frustrations were all financial. The rental car place wanted to put a huge hold on my card, making it impossible for me to pay for my hotel room.  Thank God, my father in law was more than willing to help out or Ryan and I would have been camping out in that dang car.
  We had left for the Rochester airport at 9:15am and by the time we got into the car to make our two hour trip to Columbus it was like 9:15pm. I was tired, stressed and disappointed. We finally made it to Columbus a little before 1am, after stopping for dinner with some friends and cleaning up Ryan's display of car sickness from the back seat of the rental...yuck!
  The next (or the same) morning I was up at 5:30am to make myself look good for my man! I hope he liked the bags under my eyes.... By 7:15am we were off to Ft. Benning for the Beret Ceremony. I was nervous and excited about seeing Brad. When I finally saw him walking over to us my first thought was "Finally! Man, he looks sexy!" I gave him a quick hug (darn those rules about PDA while in uniform) and started snapping pics of him and Ryan. He had to leave like 7 minutes later until our spousal meeting at 11am. I sorta just stood around watching everyone else and feeling envious of all the women who got to spend the whole day with their soldier. Finally the pavilion emptied out and it was just me and Ryan sitting there. My friend, who got to spend the day with her husband, called to say that her in laws were coming back over to give me and Ryan a ride to where the meeting was being held. I was so grateful and relieved. Those people were my saving grace on this trip.
  At the Rec center I finally got to see Brad again...YEA! The meeting was short and completely pointless and afterwards we met a few of his friends. This is where it gets bad. He asked one of the guys what time they were supposed to go back and received incorrect information. He showed up late to wherever he was supposed to meet and got chewed out by a DS. He was told he would not be graduating and that more than likely he would be sent home for good. That ruined the whole four hours that we got to spend together. We spent the whole time upset and worried about the future and just plain angry. It was hot outside in the GA heat and on top of that we were completely mortified.
  Ryan and I went back to our hotel and I just prayed like crazy. I got a bunch of other people to pray too. That night around 11pm I got a phone call from Brad saying that he would be allowed to graduate, but not be a part of the ceremony. He was still in the army and head of to AIT as scheduled...PHEW! I was on cloud nine. Who cares about a stupid ceremony? Brad was still able to continue doing what he set out to do. We decided that I should still attend the ceremony, so that Ryan could see all the soldiers and all the cool stuff that happens during those things.
  So, the next morning I followed my friend and her in laws to the ceremony. I thought I would be fine, but as soon as the ceremony ended I felt completely alone. Everyone was hugging and crying and snapping pictures with their soldiers and I was just standing there with Ryan. I lead him quickly to our car and got the heck out of there. We went to Chick-Fil-A for lunch and not soon after I got a text from Brad, saying that he was not allowed to see me that day. I wanted to kill somebody. Did I really just spend a thousand bucks to visit my husband for four hot and depressing hours?! I decided that for dinner I was taking Ryan to Chuck E Cheese. We needed to get out of the hotel room and he deserved to have a little fun. So, off we went for two hours of loud obnoxious fun. When we got back to the hotel I got a text from Brad, telling me to get my butt to the airport the next day super early, so that we could hang out. I started packing up all our stuff immediately, so I could leave asap the next morning.
  The next morning we met our friends downstairs for breakfast to say goodbye and then we headed out. I made it to the airport without getting lost and met up with Brad. The time we spent at the Atlanta airport was the best time of the whole trip. We just hung out and talked without the threat of "going home" over our heads and plus, it was air conditioned...score! And, I got to kiss him AND hold his hand...woot, woot!!
  So, basically I got to see my husband for less than 10 hours the entire trip. Was it what I was expecting? Not even close. Was I disappointed? Extremely. Would I do it all over again? Hmmmm...let me get back to you on that one. Am I happy that I went? YES!!!! Brad is definitely worth me having to jump through hoops to see his handsome face and taste his salty kiss ;-)

My loves

  So, at the moment I am feeling pretty emotional, because my daughter will be turning one next month and I feel like I'm losing my sweet little baby. Pretty soon she will be walking, talking and going through the terrible two's...ugh! Lol. As, I was walking her around the room tonight to help her fall asleep I couldn't help but to stare at her sweet little face and smile. Usually, when I am trying to get my babies to fall asleep I try to make as little eye contact as possible, because I want them to realize that it's night-night time, not time to socialize...haha! But, I just couldn't help it tonight! And, sure enough when her little eyelids fluttered open for a brief second, like they do right before you doze off, she caught me staring at her and she started giggling. Her cute little half asleep baby laugh made me start to laugh, so we just stared at each other laughing....and then it was back to square one trying to get her to sleep...lol! But, I wouldn't give up that moment with my daughter for all the sleep in the world. She doesn't know it yet, but she came into the world at just the right time. In the midst of chaos and confusion, Eva was my reason to smile.
  I am also so completely in love with my two growing boys. Ryan and Mason. I can't believe that I have a 4 year old and a two year old! Wow...time really does fly. Ryan makes me laugh every day! Right now he is fascinated by people smoking. He doesn't understand it. Every time he sees somebody puffing away he asks me (very loudly) why they want to die. I try and pull him away before he can say anything else, but sometimes he's just too quick. I literally cringe and brace myself every time we walk into a store or visit family who smoke. Today as we were leaving the library there was a woman smoking outside and he literally stopped and just stared at her and I could tell he was about to start asking her questions, so I quickly whisked him off to the car. I have tried explaining that adults can do whatever they want, even if it's not healthy, but he doesn't want to hear it. He really wants to know why they are killing themselves. He has had conversations with adults who smoke and luckily they have been very nice about it, trying to explain about addictions and being very compliant when he tells them not to get their smoke near his mommy or Eva, but I know one day he's gonna say something to the wrong person and get me into a fight...LOL! I guess I'll just keep smiling and apologizing.
  Mason, Mason, Mason...that boy is crazy! Today he nearly gave me a heart attack by climbing out of the car window and on to the roof while I was trying to buckle the other two in. I look up to see his feet dangling. Sometimes he makes me wonder why I even bother going out in public with the kids. But, then he'll come up and wrap his sticky little arms around me and kiss me on the neck and I know why I haven't given him up for adoption...yet ;-)
  They don't realize it, but they will someday when they have children of their own, that they are the reason I have never given up. On my baddest days they are the reason I know love exists.

45 days

It has been 45 days, since I last saw my husband. 45 days since he kissed me and the kids good bye and headed off to Fort Benning, GA. I can't believe that I have made it this long without him. We have been writing letters back and forth, since he doesn't get much phone time and I gotta say that it's pretty neat. It's almost like we are dating again, except that I get that excited butterfly in the stomach feeling when I see the post man pull up, not when I see Brad pull up...LOL! Getting his letters is the highlight of my week. It's what gets me through and holds me together.
  The kids and I are back in our house now and things have been going pretty well. I'm not scared like I thought I'd be. I can actually sleep upstairs with the lights out ;) At first it was a little depressing to be back; to smell the scent of Brad's body wash drifting from the bathroom and knowing that it would eventually go away, because he wasn't here anymore to keep the scent "alive". It hurt a lot to put all the kids to bed at night and then go into my empty bedroom and sleep alone in the bed that I have shared with my husband for the past 6 and a half years or so. I had feelings from resentment to anger to regret. But, I can honestly say that at this point those feelings of loneliness have dulled a little and I am no longer angry. Things have been pretty good around here, considering my bff isn't with me at the moment. I am learning a new way of life and instead of trying to fight it and becoming exhausted in the process, I am embracing it and accepting it. It's so much easier to just let go and live day by day rather than constantly worrying about the future.
  I gotta say that I am so proud of my Brad. I told him that if he was gonna do this then he was gonna do it right! No giving up and dropping out. No just barely getting by. Either do it good or don't do it at all. So, far he is doing amazing and he is loving it. My boy went from being a computer geek and couch potato to running two miles in 17 mins and 23 seconds (which is passing), climbing up a 16 foot rope (if that doesn't seem hard then YOU do it!) and becoming a sharp shooter (look it up, some of these guys didn't even pass their Basic Riffle Marksmanship test). He is sticking to it and finishing what he started and that is HUGE for him. He is going out of his comfort zone and learning new things. He is accomplishing things that he never thought he'd be able to do. He is becoming a man that his children can look up to. All I ever wanted was for him to be proud of himself and to be happy and it looks like that is finally happening.
  I miss him more than mere words could ever express. If you are happily married then you can probably understand how I feel. If you are not married then imagine trying to get by without an arm or a leg. Imagine trying to do just every day things without something that you have grown so dependent on and maybe even started to take for granted. After a while you'd learn a new way to accomplish all those old things, but you'd still wish that that piece of you wasn't missing.
  So, here's to the next 27 days and making time fly by until I get to hold my very own soldier, my hero,  in my arms again. Brad Charles Wolff, I love you to the moon and back!

See ya soon!!

Well, I just dropped my favorite boy off to become a soldier. I knew this day was coming since last August when I drove him to the recruiting office. I was hot, swollen and nine months pregnant. Brad was determined to do something worthwhile with his life. I was determined to pretend that this wasn't actually happening.
There are two things I never ever wanted to be when I was growing up. Those two things are a preacher's wife and a soldier's wife. To be quite frank I'm a little on the selfish side and a lot on the controlling side, neither of which will do for these two extremely sacrificial jobs. I want my husband home with me on the nights and weekends and I don't want him to be responsible for everyone else's problems, but most of all I just want him to be safe.
I know he's my husband, but I have had the heart of a mother for about four years now, so I worry like one and I'm afraid he'll get lonely or hurt. I hope he makes friends easily and loves his job.
There are so many things that I wish I had done. For starters I wish I had embraced this whole army thing a whole lot sooner. I wish I had read up on things and familiarized myself with all of the terms and tried harder to understand what is actually going on. I wish I had saved out money to send him off with things like stamps/paper/pens. I wish I had helped our sons write out little notes and make cards to send him off with. I wish I had made special daddy picture books for the kids, especially for Eva, who I hope will remember him. I wish I had gotten up early and made a huge family breakfast. There are so many things that I should have done differently instead of just ignoring the inevitable. The most I can do is try harder starting today.
Lastly, I just wanna say how much I love Brad and how proud I am of him for following through and doing what he believes is best. It won't be easy and I won't always like what's happening and what I have to give up, BUT I will always have my husband's back and he will always have my heart.

Faith

I am in an ornery mood, so if you are easily offended then please move on. Also, if my faith irritates you then, please, move on.
I am so sick and tired of this world! And, I'm tired of the people who think I should care what goes on here. I do NOT read or watch the news. What little I know comes from friends and family talking about it or tidbits from Facebook. If that makes me ignorant then so be it. I see absolutely no reason to have to hear about one more person killing somebody or one more child being sexually abused. This world makes me sick to my stomach! If I want to be able to sleep at night and take my children out in public without making them wear sheets over their heads then I can not waste my time absorbing this sick and twisted world.
Thank God for MY faith! Thank God that this is not it; this is NOT where my life ends. There IS something to look forward to; something to press towards. People think I'm pathetic for believing in a "story". Really? I'm pathetic for having faith in my God, whose miracles and signs and wonders have been very evident in my life since I was a young girl? But, you're not pathetic for not wanting more than this?? You're not pathetic for just accepting this filth as the best you'll ever get? Are you kidding me???
I am not a bible scholar. I can't sit here and quote scriptures that will somehow change your mind and make you believe. What I know, I know from experience. I know that it was God that raised my friend from the dead. I know that it was God that healed my smashed nose right in front of my eyes. I know that it's God that gives me the strength to get through the difficult times.
I'm not stepping on egg shells anymore. Nobody else does. I'm tired of taking a back seat to trash. It's not funny to see men disrespecting women or to see women wearing next to nothing out in public. It's not okay when parents swear at their kids or humiliate them in public. I'm done.
This world is NOT my home. I'm just passing through on my way to heaven!

Crazy boys!

So, thinking over the past couple of days has made me realize that it's definitely time for another blog. In fact, I think I may be overdue for one. Let's start out by reliving Saturday's events. I woke up determined to get all of my errands done even though I knew all three kids had to come with me. I was a little nervous and stressed just thinking about it, but I pressed on. I got everyone out to the car and pulled out of the driveway, promising lunch at McDonalds if they behaved.
We pulled up to JoAnn Fabrics and Mason started his meltdown before we even left the vehicle. He's in that horrible stage where he wants to do everything himself, but he just can't. Rather than wait around watching him fumble with his seat belt I scooped him out and popped him in the cart. I was on a mission!!! I didn't let his wailing get to me. I just pushed through the store looking for what I needed. I refused to lose it when he climbed out of the moving cart and ran the opposite direction. I refused to lose it when he pulled stuff off the shelves and threw them into the cart. I even held my cool when my other son, Ryan, tried to pocket something. I grabbed what I needed and got the heck out of the store.
I decided it was lunch time and that McDonalds with a play place would be a perfect way for them to eat and run off some of that boundless energy. It started out okay. The boys ate and then took off for the large indoor "jungle gym" maze thingy and I sat back to relax over a double cheese burger. I did a pretty good job of pretending it was a salad and wouldn't hurt my midsection. That's when I heard the yells. Mase was upset about something. The high pitched screaming started. I got up to bring him back to the table. Herein lies the major problem. He was up pretty high and refusing to come down. In fact, he was in one of the "bridges" made out of material. At this point I just wanted to pack up and leave. I was done. I couldn't handle the screaming anymore or the other parents standing there watching like it was a show. That's when I hear it. The telltale coughing that means he's induced vomiting by screaming so hard. I jump out of the way just in time. It's raining throw up in McDonalds and some people were not lucky enough to get out of the way in time. Yes, my child hurled on a few of the other patrons :-/ Do I even bother apologizing?? I throw Eva in her car seat, climb up to get my child, tell the manager my kid got sick and hightail it outta there. I've never seen a play place clear out so quickly.
In the car I call up my husband and yell into the phone that he has 15 mins to get up and get ready. Mason is his for the day! I'm through! He handled my raving mad rant like a champ. I dropped both boy off and it only took me sitting in the parking lot of Wegmans, staring off into space for forty-five mins before I was ready to finish my errands.
Now, we're at Sunday. My son Ryan was supposed to be singing with his preschool class for our Sunday morning service. The song they were gonna be singing was "Jesus loves me". Ryan had already tried to protest during one of his practices. He told his teacher he didn't like that song and wanted to sing "Deep and Wide". He then proceeded to tell her that his mouth couldn't sing the song of her choice and while all the other kids were practicing the correct song he was belting out his pick. All I can say is thank God for Easter. After trying to practice with him all morning and him refusing to give me the time of day I resorted to threatening to take away his basket if he purposely messed up the song. Well, my threats and me singing Jesus Loves Me the entire way to church must have really inspired him, because he sang all the right words...loudly. He even took it upon himself to move from the second row to the first row and press his lips right against the mic. All you could hear was my kid shouting out Jesus Loves Me......and people laughing :-/ A few people have taken to calling him The Star...bless their hearts.
As you can see there is rarely a dull moment. I have a drama king and a star performer on my hands. Maybe one day they can take their love of theatrics and make momma some major bucks ;-)

Smile, what's the use in crying?

I was singing a sweet old song to my daughter as I was trying to rock her to sleep. I'm not sure why I always try to sing to her, because instead of putting her to sleep it usually makes her laugh....hard. In fact, like everybody else who has ever had the misfortune of listening to me sing, I think Eva would prefer it if I just kept my mouth shut.
Honestly, the only person who truly enjoys my singing is my son Mason...and he might be deaf. That boy would love it if I laid in bed next to him singing all night long while he snuggled next to me with his little arm wrapped around my neck. Ahh, how I love that little monster.
Back, to Eva. I was looking down at her chubby little face singing "Smile, though your heart is aching. Smile, even though it's breaking..." Of course at this point she is smiling...and laughing. And, I'm pretty sure it wasn't her heart that was aching...lol! That's when I began to think about what I was saying. Do I want her to fake a smile? Most parents would instantly say "No! I want my child to be "real" and "honest". But, why does sitting down and crying or moping around have to be the "real" way?
I have never been a huge cryer. I can remember the last time I had a good cry. It was more than six months ago. Now, I did read somewhere that crying is actually healthy for you and releases some sort of toxin through your tears, so occasionally when I'm really hurting I do try and squeeze out a few tears just so I don't die or something, but other than that I just don't cry. Quite frankly I feel a little selfish and stupid for crying when I have so much to be thankful for and when I think of other people who have it way worse than I do.
I kinda want to teach my daughter to keep her chin up. Things are gonna happen. That's life. Will there be times when she absolutely can not control the tears? Of course, and I will be there to help her dry them. Life is life and I won't be able to stop her from ever getting hurt. Inevitably there will be someone at some point who does her wrong, who breaks a promise and maybe her heart. Whether its a friend, a teacher, a boyfriend or even a family member. There will be tough situations and hard decisions to make, but if I can teach her to keep moving forward with that beautiful smile on her face then I will have done my job.

Ryan

So, my son, Ryan has been quite the little hellion lately. He has taken to hitting, spitting and mouthing off to me no matter what I say. If I try and discipline him he threatens me with bodily harm ("Mom, if you send me to my room then I'm gonna punch you in the eye!") or excommunicating me from his life ("I love you, but I just don't wanna be your son anymore." or the ever popular "Fine! You're not my best friend!"). It's tough as a parent to decide what the heck you're supposed to do. Do I spank him? Isn't that teaching him to hit when he's upset? Not, to mention sometimes the kid refuses to cry and then he taunts me about the fact that I couldn't make him cry or he yells that I'm not supposed to spank him for "accidents" and tries to spank me back. Do I do time outs? My kid could care less about time out. He'll sit there and talk to himself for five minutes. Do I just ignore it and hope that eventually the bad behavior will just disappear?
Unfortunately when you bring your baby home from the hospital...or your own bath tub...wherever you chose to give birth (give me the hospital and the epidural!) you don't get a manual on how to raise a human. Don't get me wrong tons of people have written books on feeding, teething, sleeping and even disciplining, but nobody out there has written a book specific to your child and your life's situations. I've read a few of these "helpful" books and nowhere have I found the section on how to deal with a four year old if he hawks a loogie in your eye (he got spanked AND sent to bed early for that one.).
So, imagine my surprise when, after a particularly trying day, I look over at my son in church and he is standing there with his eyes squeezed shut and his hands raised shouting praises to the Lord. I almost wanted to take pics and videos just to prove that he does indeed talk to God and not the devil. I mean the kid was really going at it. He was saying things like "Thank you, Jesus." and "I love you, Lord." and, my personal fave "I bow before your glory." What?! I bow before your glory? Where did he even hear that? This kid knows how to worship better than I do and I'm positive he made God smile tonight (thankfully, since he's probably been making Him weep all week).
Ryan's not all bad. I don't want to scare off any play dates you guys might have been thinking about ;-) He has many really lovable moments. He's always hugging me and telling me he loves me. He loves to dress up and put gel in his hair and a tie around his neck and then ask me if I think he looks "sharp"...lol! He's a really great big brother. He always makes Eva laugh and he loves to play with Mason and give him advice on how to be a good super hero. He loves to laugh!!!! I love laughing with him :-) But, what I love most about him is his confidence. Whether it's walking out of the house in a Larry Boy tie or standing his ground about something he wants or raising his hands in church, he does it with everything he's got. He's not shy or apologetic. I hope his confidence never leaves. I find it to be quite amazing and inspiring.
Anyways, it's times like these and the times when he wraps his little arms around my neck and plants one right on my mouth that I know, manual or not, I must be doing something right.

Which way is right?

It's been quite a while since I've blogged. I guess a big part of why I have not taken the time to sit down and update the few people that care to follow me is because I'm afraid of confusing them or coming off as bipolar. If you haven't noticed, my blog is pretty raw and about as real as it gets. I am a passionate human being. I can be passionately happy or passionately angry and I see no point in keeping things a secret or making myself or the life that I live seem like something it is not. I hate lies, I hate games and I hate fakes. I tend to blog at the height of whatever emotion I am feeling. I don't take the time to let things settle or to think things through, because of this I tend to end up going a different direction than I originally intended when I first write my blogs. If you are feeling confused or wondering if you should help me into a straight jacket this is why.
I probably get way too personal and share things that most would not want shared if it were them going through what I am. Probably the biggest thing I am going through right now is confusion. There are so many unanswered questions and so many things that I will never be able to understand or relate to. Honestly I'm glad that I don't get it, because if I ever do begin to understand how people could do this to each other then I will have reached a very dangerous point in my life.
I have to be very careful with every decision that I make, especially the ones concerning such a sensitive situation. I am a mother. I have three of the most beautiful children you will ever lay eyes on. My children mean more to me than I could ever begin to express. You parents reading this know what I mean. In fact as I type this I am holding my sleeping daughter in my arms and thinking that there is nothing on earth that I wouldn't do for her. I would literally die for her. Because of my three precious gifts I do not get to make any hasty decisions. Everything MUST be thoroughly thought through to ensure that I am doing what is best for them. They are the future. My actions today will dictate their actions tomorrow. In order to be the best mother that I can be I have to be aware of that every second of every day.
What is best today may not be what is best tomorrow or next week or a year from now. Today I am staying with my parents and giving my children a happy home and stability. Today the plan is to stay here until my husband has left for basic training and then to move back home. In the meantime my husband and I are trying to work through things. We are trying to see if we can make our marriage a forever thing, like we both originally intended. I really hope we can.
All I know for sure is that I'm gonna miss that boy so much when he is gone and that I will be praying for his safety every day and looking forward to every text message and phone call. I hope he misses me too and chooses to come back home to me and our children. I don't know what the future holds, but I can guarantee you that we are all gonna find out.

New year, new hopes.

When people ask me what my New Years resolution is I jokingly tell them that it's to not let 2012 suck as bad as 2011 did or I tell them that it's to become anorexic as soon as I'm done nursing...lol! Don't worry I wouldn't really starve myself, but I might try an all coffee diet. I hear it works great...kidding!
Anyways, back to last year really sucking. As bad as that year was for me I would rather learn from it than to completely forget about it. Plus, Eva was born, so it wasn't all bad. A lot of it was actually pretty good.
What can I take from 2011 to use for 2012? Well, for starters I could become more compassionate. You really have no clue what somebody else is going through. You couldn't possibly know what heartache hides behind their smile or their cocky attitude. A caring and thoughtful word or a quick hug will probably mean more than you will ever realize.
I would like to love more. You have to be a very brave person to love whole heartedly. You never know when your love might be rejected or taken advantage of. It's a risk we all take when we say "I love you" and really mean it. It's a risk I will always take. You're either gonna have all of me or none of me. I don't do anything half way. I would like to get rid of any cynicism, self doubt or self pity and just love people genuinely and completely.
I want to stop taking everything for granted. My family, my finances, a roof over my head, life...all of it could be gone in a split second. I never want to look back and wish that I had said " I love you" more, smiled more, hugged my babies more, said "Thank you" more, lived better. At the end of the day when I'm lying in bed and my eyelids are closing all on their own I want to know that I did my absolute best and loved the absolute most that I could. I never want to forget to thank God for every single thing that He has given me.
My hope for this year is simple. I want me and my kids and even my husband to be at peace. Whatever this year brings I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God is in control and that I don't have to worry about a thing. I would like to pass that knowledge down to my sweet babies, so that they know that they can live without fear of the unknown and be truly happy.