The End Of Sorts...

  As many of you probably know, or have assumed from reading my previous blogs, my marriage hit a rough patch. If I were to be completely honest with myself and with all of you I'd have to say that trouble in paradise had been brewing for a while, but everything came to a head about a month ago. I would really rather not go into detail. Some wounds just need to stay closed, so that the healing process can be completed. The wounds I have are some of those. I prefer them not to keep being re-opened by having to keep re-telling "the story". I have already gone over every minute detail, rehashed every moment leading up to one of the worst moments in my history, and cried myself dry. While all of that was a part of my healing process I am done now. I am finally ready to move forward without looking back.
  This next part is for all of the important people in my life. Whether you know all of the details or not I really appreciate your support. Many of you have been there for me in my darkest moments and you will never know how much that has meant to me. Just know that I would not have pulled through this without you.
  There is, however, one thing that I need to make very clear. If you are truly in support of me then you are in support of everything that I want and I do want my marriage and my husband. He still is and always will be the man of my dreams. I realize that everyone has their own opinions. Many of you may not be able to understand that, but it is MY choice and not yours, so I ask that you, at the very least, respect that.
  You don't need to feel obligated to choose sides. There is no Team Brad or Team Rachel, there is only a Team Us and I wouldn't have it any other way.
  This ends the blogs about this particular area in my life, so you can all breathe a sigh of relief now. I am on to much more boring and funnier/lighthearted topics. Thank you for bearing with me and reading along in my not so happy or uplifting recounts of a life I am truly thankful to be living.

Then and now...

So, my blog has unfortunately become less funny and more serious and personal. I will eventually get it back to being slightly funny and probably "grotesque", as someone once put it, but for right now it is what it is and I hope you'll bare with me.
As, I began unpacking some boxes I came across a poem I wrote a little more than five years ago. That was the result of a conversation I'd had with my husband when he first expressed his thoughts about what I believed; what I thought we both believed.
Reading through it today has reminded me that my faith has never wavered and that no matter what may come I will always have that.
It's not well written or even profound, but that's me. Simple and real, not eloquent or put on.
So, here it is.

What do you believe in exactly?
You say you believe in me.
Please don't, I'm not anything.
You say you won't follow blindly.
So, then what is it that you're doing?

Is understanding truly everything?
What about instant peace?
Is that so hard to believe?
And, what about all of our mistakes?
Do you not believe in his grace?

You ask me if your love is enough,
but wonder if it's not?
I ask you if HIS love is enough
And you tell me that it's not.

I listen almost speechless.
Definitely scared.
Am I supposed to pretend that I don't care?
I do.
But you're telling me in confidence
So my questions will remain unanswered
Because I'm not allowed to ask.

I Try to be the strong one.
I don't want you to see my fear.
I don't want you to doubt that I believe HE'S here.

So, I hide my tears in the dark of the room.
And, I struggle not to cry.
I am hoping you don't notice that my calm voice is a lie.

I am reminding myself to breath
It only gets harder as you continue pouring out your heart to me.

I must be strong.
I cannot be weak.
This is me.

But, maybe you're not the only one, who has been hiding how you really feel.
Could it be that I too have secrets that this strength is not real?

Maybe, I'm just a little bit sick of being "brave".
Too tired to lead you the rest of the way.

I need you to know that yes, I am weak.
I am not the rock I want to be.
There are things that shake my faith.
I rely on others for my strength.
I do cry when I get hurt.
I need help getting back up.
Though, it's self perseverance I've tried to show, I cannot do it on my own.

I want you to know that I've chosen the path I will follow.
With or without you.
That things do shake my faith, but they will never break my faith.
That while I may need help getting back up, I will never give up.

I don't have the answer to every question.
I don't think anybody does.
Some things we must figure out on our own, but we are never alone.

Finally, no matter what you believe in or what you don't.
No matter what path you choose to go.
No matter how long it takes you to find the truth.
No matter what it takes until you do.
I will be here when you need me.
I will pray with you and for you.
I will never give up and leave.
I will always love you.


This ends the poem. Funny how something written a few months after we said "I do" still pertains today.