Finding out what's important

For those of you looking for a funny or lighthearted read keep going. Maybe, it's because of a "conversation" that I just had with the person that I love the most, maybe it's because that person just left today on a business trip or maybe it's because of my pregnancy hormones, but whatever the reason I am feeling more contrite and poignant than silly or sarcastic. For those of you that know me that is probably a big shock, but here goes...
After questioning my husband about why we aren't quite on the same page lately and why I was feeling disconnected from him, it was brought to my attention that people aren't gonna stick around and try to connect when they are put down all the time and made to feel worthless. I don't know why this came as a complete shock to me, but it did. Not the whole people not wanting to be treated like garbage part, but the fact that my husband felt like I treated him that way. I literally felt like the breath had been knocked out of me. What?! Me?! Making the person I care about the most feel like dirt to the point that they didn't feel like being around me?! Ouch! What a serious wake up call.
After reminding myself to breathe the first thing I did was apologize and tried to make him believe that I really and truly love him.
The next thing I did was reflect. I thought about previous conversations and arguments. I thought about how bad my attitude can be or how nasty I can get when I'm stressed. I even thought about my body language. When was the last time I had reached out to hold his hand or stood on my tippy toes to give him a smooch? Why couldn't I say "I love you" or "You're awesome!" as opposed to "You don't change enough diapers" or "Really? A short check? How about getting to work on time?!". Why can't I just be happy and content with the many, many blessings I have. Like, the fact that my husband has a job and the fact that there are diapers to change and we aren't struggling with conceiving. Is it really necessary to roll my eyes, shrug my shoulders or smirk in response to my husband's best efforts?
For a moment I felt panicky. My marriage isn't bad or falling apart. We have our ups and downs like everyone else, but in that moment it crossed my mind that life is not guaranteed. What if my husband, the one person I got to choose to be related to, ended up in a freak accident and dying? What if the last thing he ever thought about me was that I didn't appreciate him and didn't have anything positive to say to him? This may all seem so cheesy and cliche, but I was really horrified with myself and disgusted at the way I had been treating my bestfriend. The worst part is that we had this conversation over text three days before he was supposed to leave on his trip.
I remembered something that my pastor's wife had shared with the ladies. She said if we had bad attitudes or let negativity and stress dictate our attitudes then our whole house would be in chaos. You see, we women set the tone for our homes. If we are prayed up and don't let the stresses of life dictate our moods then we can set the tone for a calm, peaceful and joyful household. I took that to heart and tried to make the last few days count.
I stopped nagging, grumbling and complaining. I let the little things and minor annoyances slide without a rude or sarcastic comment. I tried being appreciative and being more affectionate. I tried adopting a calm light hearted spirit. Of course I'm still a work in progress, but I liked the new me and I hope my husband did as well.
My new goal is not how much I can get done around the house or keeping a tally of who does what. It's not to save enough money to buy really great stuff for our new home or make my husband leave early enough, so that we can get every penny we can. My new goal is to make sure that the person I committed to spending the rest of my life with knows just how special he is and how lucky I feel to have made that commitment to him and how exited I am to keep that commitment.

"I do"
September 9, 2005