So, at the moment I am feeling pretty emotional, because my daughter will be turning one next month and I feel like I'm losing my sweet little baby. Pretty soon she will be walking, talking and going through the terrible two's...ugh! Lol. As, I was walking her around the room tonight to help her fall asleep I couldn't help but to stare at her sweet little face and smile. Usually, when I am trying to get my babies to fall asleep I try to make as little eye contact as possible, because I want them to realize that it's night-night time, not time to socialize...haha! But, I just couldn't help it tonight! And, sure enough when her little eyelids fluttered open for a brief second, like they do right before you doze off, she caught me staring at her and she started giggling. Her cute little half asleep baby laugh made me start to laugh, so we just stared at each other laughing....and then it was back to square one trying to get her to sleep...lol! But, I wouldn't give up that moment with my daughter for all the sleep in the world. She doesn't know it yet, but she came into the world at just the right time. In the midst of chaos and confusion, Eva was my reason to smile.
I am also so completely in love with my two growing boys. Ryan and Mason. I can't believe that I have a 4 year old and a two year old! Wow...time really does fly. Ryan makes me laugh every day! Right now he is fascinated by people smoking. He doesn't understand it. Every time he sees somebody puffing away he asks me (very loudly) why they want to die. I try and pull him away before he can say anything else, but sometimes he's just too quick. I literally cringe and brace myself every time we walk into a store or visit family who smoke. Today as we were leaving the library there was a woman smoking outside and he literally stopped and just stared at her and I could tell he was about to start asking her questions, so I quickly whisked him off to the car. I have tried explaining that adults can do whatever they want, even if it's not healthy, but he doesn't want to hear it. He really wants to know why they are killing themselves. He has had conversations with adults who smoke and luckily they have been very nice about it, trying to explain about addictions and being very compliant when he tells them not to get their smoke near his mommy or Eva, but I know one day he's gonna say something to the wrong person and get me into a fight...LOL! I guess I'll just keep smiling and apologizing.
Mason, Mason, Mason...that boy is crazy! Today he nearly gave me a heart attack by climbing out of the car window and on to the roof while I was trying to buckle the other two in. I look up to see his feet dangling. Sometimes he makes me wonder why I even bother going out in public with the kids. But, then he'll come up and wrap his sticky little arms around me and kiss me on the neck and I know why I haven't given him up for adoption...yet ;-)
They don't realize it, but they will someday when they have children of their own, that they are the reason I have never given up. On my baddest days they are the reason I know love exists.
Friday, July 13, 2012
Thursday, July 5, 2012
45 days
It has been 45 days, since I last saw my husband. 45 days since he kissed me and the kids good bye and headed off to Fort Benning, GA. I can't believe that I have made it this long without him. We have been writing letters back and forth, since he doesn't get much phone time and I gotta say that it's pretty neat. It's almost like we are dating again, except that I get that excited butterfly in the stomach feeling when I see the post man pull up, not when I see Brad pull up...LOL! Getting his letters is the highlight of my week. It's what gets me through and holds me together.
The kids and I are back in our house now and things have been going pretty well. I'm not scared like I thought I'd be. I can actually sleep upstairs with the lights out ;) At first it was a little depressing to be back; to smell the scent of Brad's body wash drifting from the bathroom and knowing that it would eventually go away, because he wasn't here anymore to keep the scent "alive". It hurt a lot to put all the kids to bed at night and then go into my empty bedroom and sleep alone in the bed that I have shared with my husband for the past 6 and a half years or so. I had feelings from resentment to anger to regret. But, I can honestly say that at this point those feelings of loneliness have dulled a little and I am no longer angry. Things have been pretty good around here, considering my bff isn't with me at the moment. I am learning a new way of life and instead of trying to fight it and becoming exhausted in the process, I am embracing it and accepting it. It's so much easier to just let go and live day by day rather than constantly worrying about the future.
I gotta say that I am so proud of my Brad. I told him that if he was gonna do this then he was gonna do it right! No giving up and dropping out. No just barely getting by. Either do it good or don't do it at all. So, far he is doing amazing and he is loving it. My boy went from being a computer geek and couch potato to running two miles in 17 mins and 23 seconds (which is passing), climbing up a 16 foot rope (if that doesn't seem hard then YOU do it!) and becoming a sharp shooter (look it up, some of these guys didn't even pass their Basic Riffle Marksmanship test). He is sticking to it and finishing what he started and that is HUGE for him. He is going out of his comfort zone and learning new things. He is accomplishing things that he never thought he'd be able to do. He is becoming a man that his children can look up to. All I ever wanted was for him to be proud of himself and to be happy and it looks like that is finally happening.
I miss him more than mere words could ever express. If you are happily married then you can probably understand how I feel. If you are not married then imagine trying to get by without an arm or a leg. Imagine trying to do just every day things without something that you have grown so dependent on and maybe even started to take for granted. After a while you'd learn a new way to accomplish all those old things, but you'd still wish that that piece of you wasn't missing.
So, here's to the next 27 days and making time fly by until I get to hold my very own soldier, my hero, in my arms again. Brad Charles Wolff, I love you to the moon and back!
The kids and I are back in our house now and things have been going pretty well. I'm not scared like I thought I'd be. I can actually sleep upstairs with the lights out ;) At first it was a little depressing to be back; to smell the scent of Brad's body wash drifting from the bathroom and knowing that it would eventually go away, because he wasn't here anymore to keep the scent "alive". It hurt a lot to put all the kids to bed at night and then go into my empty bedroom and sleep alone in the bed that I have shared with my husband for the past 6 and a half years or so. I had feelings from resentment to anger to regret. But, I can honestly say that at this point those feelings of loneliness have dulled a little and I am no longer angry. Things have been pretty good around here, considering my bff isn't with me at the moment. I am learning a new way of life and instead of trying to fight it and becoming exhausted in the process, I am embracing it and accepting it. It's so much easier to just let go and live day by day rather than constantly worrying about the future.
I gotta say that I am so proud of my Brad. I told him that if he was gonna do this then he was gonna do it right! No giving up and dropping out. No just barely getting by. Either do it good or don't do it at all. So, far he is doing amazing and he is loving it. My boy went from being a computer geek and couch potato to running two miles in 17 mins and 23 seconds (which is passing), climbing up a 16 foot rope (if that doesn't seem hard then YOU do it!) and becoming a sharp shooter (look it up, some of these guys didn't even pass their Basic Riffle Marksmanship test). He is sticking to it and finishing what he started and that is HUGE for him. He is going out of his comfort zone and learning new things. He is accomplishing things that he never thought he'd be able to do. He is becoming a man that his children can look up to. All I ever wanted was for him to be proud of himself and to be happy and it looks like that is finally happening.
I miss him more than mere words could ever express. If you are happily married then you can probably understand how I feel. If you are not married then imagine trying to get by without an arm or a leg. Imagine trying to do just every day things without something that you have grown so dependent on and maybe even started to take for granted. After a while you'd learn a new way to accomplish all those old things, but you'd still wish that that piece of you wasn't missing.
So, here's to the next 27 days and making time fly by until I get to hold my very own soldier, my hero, in my arms again. Brad Charles Wolff, I love you to the moon and back!
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