It's been quite a while since I've blogged. I guess a big part of why I have not taken the time to sit down and update the few people that care to follow me is because I'm afraid of confusing them or coming off as bipolar. If you haven't noticed, my blog is pretty raw and about as real as it gets. I am a passionate human being. I can be passionately happy or passionately angry and I see no point in keeping things a secret or making myself or the life that I live seem like something it is not. I hate lies, I hate games and I hate fakes. I tend to blog at the height of whatever emotion I am feeling. I don't take the time to let things settle or to think things through, because of this I tend to end up going a different direction than I originally intended when I first write my blogs. If you are feeling confused or wondering if you should help me into a straight jacket this is why.
I probably get way too personal and share things that most would not want shared if it were them going through what I am. Probably the biggest thing I am going through right now is confusion. There are so many unanswered questions and so many things that I will never be able to understand or relate to. Honestly I'm glad that I don't get it, because if I ever do begin to understand how people could do this to each other then I will have reached a very dangerous point in my life.
I have to be very careful with every decision that I make, especially the ones concerning such a sensitive situation. I am a mother. I have three of the most beautiful children you will ever lay eyes on. My children mean more to me than I could ever begin to express. You parents reading this know what I mean. In fact as I type this I am holding my sleeping daughter in my arms and thinking that there is nothing on earth that I wouldn't do for her. I would literally die for her. Because of my three precious gifts I do not get to make any hasty decisions. Everything MUST be thoroughly thought through to ensure that I am doing what is best for them. They are the future. My actions today will dictate their actions tomorrow. In order to be the best mother that I can be I have to be aware of that every second of every day.
What is best today may not be what is best tomorrow or next week or a year from now. Today I am staying with my parents and giving my children a happy home and stability. Today the plan is to stay here until my husband has left for basic training and then to move back home. In the meantime my husband and I are trying to work through things. We are trying to see if we can make our marriage a forever thing, like we both originally intended. I really hope we can.
All I know for sure is that I'm gonna miss that boy so much when he is gone and that I will be praying for his safety every day and looking forward to every text message and phone call. I hope he misses me too and chooses to come back home to me and our children. I don't know what the future holds, but I can guarantee you that we are all gonna find out.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
New year, new hopes.
When people ask me what my New Years resolution is I jokingly tell them that it's to not let 2012 suck as bad as 2011 did or I tell them that it's to become anorexic as soon as I'm done nursing...lol! Don't worry I wouldn't really starve myself, but I might try an all coffee diet. I hear it works great...kidding!
Anyways, back to last year really sucking. As bad as that year was for me I would rather learn from it than to completely forget about it. Plus, Eva was born, so it wasn't all bad. A lot of it was actually pretty good.
What can I take from 2011 to use for 2012? Well, for starters I could become more compassionate. You really have no clue what somebody else is going through. You couldn't possibly know what heartache hides behind their smile or their cocky attitude. A caring and thoughtful word or a quick hug will probably mean more than you will ever realize.
I would like to love more. You have to be a very brave person to love whole heartedly. You never know when your love might be rejected or taken advantage of. It's a risk we all take when we say "I love you" and really mean it. It's a risk I will always take. You're either gonna have all of me or none of me. I don't do anything half way. I would like to get rid of any cynicism, self doubt or self pity and just love people genuinely and completely.
I want to stop taking everything for granted. My family, my finances, a roof over my head, life...all of it could be gone in a split second. I never want to look back and wish that I had said " I love you" more, smiled more, hugged my babies more, said "Thank you" more, lived better. At the end of the day when I'm lying in bed and my eyelids are closing all on their own I want to know that I did my absolute best and loved the absolute most that I could. I never want to forget to thank God for every single thing that He has given me.
My hope for this year is simple. I want me and my kids and even my husband to be at peace. Whatever this year brings I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God is in control and that I don't have to worry about a thing. I would like to pass that knowledge down to my sweet babies, so that they know that they can live without fear of the unknown and be truly happy.
Anyways, back to last year really sucking. As bad as that year was for me I would rather learn from it than to completely forget about it. Plus, Eva was born, so it wasn't all bad. A lot of it was actually pretty good.
What can I take from 2011 to use for 2012? Well, for starters I could become more compassionate. You really have no clue what somebody else is going through. You couldn't possibly know what heartache hides behind their smile or their cocky attitude. A caring and thoughtful word or a quick hug will probably mean more than you will ever realize.
I would like to love more. You have to be a very brave person to love whole heartedly. You never know when your love might be rejected or taken advantage of. It's a risk we all take when we say "I love you" and really mean it. It's a risk I will always take. You're either gonna have all of me or none of me. I don't do anything half way. I would like to get rid of any cynicism, self doubt or self pity and just love people genuinely and completely.
I want to stop taking everything for granted. My family, my finances, a roof over my head, life...all of it could be gone in a split second. I never want to look back and wish that I had said " I love you" more, smiled more, hugged my babies more, said "Thank you" more, lived better. At the end of the day when I'm lying in bed and my eyelids are closing all on their own I want to know that I did my absolute best and loved the absolute most that I could. I never want to forget to thank God for every single thing that He has given me.
My hope for this year is simple. I want me and my kids and even my husband to be at peace. Whatever this year brings I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God is in control and that I don't have to worry about a thing. I would like to pass that knowledge down to my sweet babies, so that they know that they can live without fear of the unknown and be truly happy.
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