Christmas time is here!!

I am so glad that my kids are still too young to care about counting down the days til Christmas. I feel rushed enough without paper chains taunting me and millions of questions a day asking how many more days. In fact, Ryan made it perfectly clear to the girl cutting his hair that he did not want her talking about Santa or Christmas lists, when he threatened to poke her to death with the cactus he is hoping to get. Yes, my three year old wants a cactus and, yes he threatens people's lives with it...bless his heart.
Of course, I know how many days there are until Christmas, because that means there is one less day than that until my big shopping day. Yep, I do most of my Christmas shopping on Christmas Eve. How sad, right? Wrong. It is a little chaotic, but when isn't my life? With three small kids chaos rules my day, so I feel right at home at the overcrowded mall with no personal space. I think I like shopping this way because it forces me to get it done. There is no longer anytime to put it off or look for myself. I save money this way!! That's a plus! Lol.
This year I am actually ahead of the game. I have one child completely done and one child partially done. Only about 15 more people to go...woohoo!!!!
So, this Christmas Eve as your all making Christmas cookies and wrapping presents think of me running around the mall, knocking people over with my double stroller and trying to find that almost perfect gift that has already been pawed by millions of people.

Moving

Eva's clothes now hang where mine used to when I was growing up here at my parents house. I guess I'm back here, so that I can grow some more. It's weird. I never thought that my daughters clothes would be hanging in place of mine someday. I always imagined a big beautiful nursery with a huge walk-in closet. I never imagined four of us sharing one dresser and a tiny amount of space in the closet.
I always think I need more stuff until I have to move, then I'm ready to throw everything away! I still have to go back over to the other house and sort through all of their toys:-/ I guarantee at least half will be tossed out.
I hate moving! I always have. I would just like to find a place and be able to settle in for more than a year or two. I want my kids to have what I had growing up, which was stability. There hasn't been a whole lot of that in their short little lives, but I am hoping that one day soon I can give them that at the very least.
We won't have a lot. There won't be new furniture or a cool TV. My kids will probably never have their own rooms or the coolest toys, but there are a few things that I hope I can give my kids. I hope my kids know everyday how much I love them. I hope they feel secure. I hope they have peace. I hope that I can pass down self confidence. I hope that they will establish their own walk with God and live by faith.
I may not be able to give them very much materialistically, but if I can give them these things then they will be some of the richest people in the world.

Dad

  I have to say that through everything my dad has been my rock. Through every broken promise and every second chance (how many "second" chances can there really be?...lol) he has been there. He has held me while I cried and he has been the first one to make me laugh. He's not like most dads. He will always be there for you no matter what, but he won't let you feel sorry for yourself for very long. I like that about him. He pushes me forward instead of letting me wallow in my grief.

  For instance he came home last night and let me explain what happened without interrupting. He apologized and listened while I told him what my new "life plans" were. (Can you really even plan your life? I guess you can try.) Then he told me not to plan anything and just to wake up every morning and decide that day what I need to do and as soon as he was done saying that he starts talking about stuff that won't be happening anytime soon...lol. I quickly reminded him of his own advice and he laughed.

  He's pretty good at reading my emotions. When he first walked in he was gentle and understanding...for about ten mins and then the jokes started. Most people don't get that. They'd be horrified if they knew we were laughing about this, but I needed that. I need to be able to laugh. I can't let the bad things that happen steal my joy or my sense of humor and my dad knows that. So, when he headed up the stairs for bed and told me not to weep too loud because he needed his sleep I know that was him saying "I love you, kid. Hang in there." And, I will.

My dad and mom- Who could ask for better role models?

Giving Thanks:-)

  Well, we all know that the month of November is all about giving thanks. If you go to church your pastor is bound to have at least one service where anybody can have the chance to stand up and say what they are thankful for. I love these services....especially if my name is mentioned;-) It usually isn't, so don't worry...lol. And, if you have a Facebook account then a couple of your friends have probably started the giving thanks count down to Thanksgiving by listing one thing everyday that they are thankful for. I don't do this. Not because I couldn't come up with things I'm thankful for, because believe me I could, but because I'd forget to do it some of the days and have to play catch up...lol!!
  Anyways, I thought I'd write this blog and let people know what I am thankful for right this moment. Things that have actually happened this week and made me smile.
  [1] Most people say that they are thankful for their health and relatively speaking we are a healthy family, but given the fact that this week I have cleaned up more puke and diarrhea than I ever thought possible I would like to instead give thanks for my awesome husband. Brad has been amazing this week. He has been right by my side cleaning pukey laundry, changing horrible diapers and bathing sick children. He even stayed home on Thursday when I got sick and let me lay in bed all day. He changed every diaper, other than Eva's...lol, he gave every bath (yes, our children take multiple a day, especially when sick) and he even made dinner that night. I was thinking all day what a special person he is and how lucky I am.
  [2] I am so thankful for my awesome family. I had the opportunity to talk with one sister on the phone for like 45 mins (a big deal, since we usually just text...lol) and go out with another one to a yummy little Indian restaurant. My sisters are my best friends and I'm glad to have them.
   Then, there is my mother. I could not ask for a better person to have raised me and help me raise my kids. She is patient, kind, caring, honest, loyal and the glue that holds our family together. I love her so much.
  My dad has always been super close to me. He's always there when I need him, no questions asked. I have no doubt he would take a bullet for me...or put a bullet in someone else for me...LOL! I'm glad he was and always will be one of the most important people in my life.
  This year has been tough. My hardest yet, but these people have stayed right by my side through it all and I would do the same for any of them.
  [3] I will never ever forget to say how thankful I am for my kids. They are my life. I am thankful that I am able to love them with all of my heart and put them before anything else. Even when things get frustrating I never question my love for them. They put a smile on my face and laughter on my lips every single day. They are all so beautiful and unique.
  [4] I am thankful for my church. The amazing leadership that I trust with my life. The wonderful people that are faithful and committed to serving and loving each other and letting the way that they live their lives be their testimony. I could never say thank you enough.
  I am so full of thanksgiving and I realize how good I have it and how truly blessed  I am.

Random thoughts of the day.

  So, here I am again blessed to be the mother of three beautiful sleeping children.....YES!!! I have a lot on my mind, so this blog is going to be extremely random, kind of choppy and probably hard to follow. I guess that kind of explains how I function on a day to day basis. One minute I'm cleaning dishes and half way through I notice a diaper that needs changing and while I'm on all fours cleaning one of my kid's booties I notice a dirty sock and that starts me off doing a load of laundry, when I all of the sudden remember that the dishes need to be finished. I'm all over the place. I literally need a check list to keep me on schedule and focused. I may have ADHD....lol! Anyways, these are my thoughts so far today:

  [1] Is my son Mason just bipolar or is it something about seeing the church building that sets him off? I mean, seriously, he could be perfectly fine and as soon as we pull into the church parking lot he's acting like Satan himself has possessed his soul. I am not kidding when I say that I spanked him three times at church last night and he still gave me Hell every time I brought him back into the sanctuary. And, then as soon as we got into the car to leave and I turned on his Micky Mouse cd, he was all smiles and singing along. Are You Freaking Kidding Me?!!! And, why is it that people always feel the need to tell you what a great mother you are when your kids are carrying out the devils latest task, by trying to ruin service for everyone? Why can't they tell you how awesome you are when your kids are behaving, so that you actually believe them?...maybe it would help if my kids behaved...hmmmmm

[2] Is there a "candid camera" hiding in my house somewhere? Is somebody evil paying/bribing my son, Ryan to poop in his pants? I mean, come on, we've been doing this whole potty training thing for a year now and he's no closer to pooping in the toilet than he was when he was fresh out of the womb. I'll have him sitting on the potty for twenty minutes telling him to squeeze just a little harder, so he can empty his bowels in the appropriate place and I'll give him some candy when he's done (Heck, at this point I'd hand the kid a hundred dollar bill!....well, maybe a dollar. Momma doesn't have any hundreds:-/ ), but, no, he'd rather waste my time and then poop his pants two minutes after he gets off the toilet. Why do I even let him off?!!! I should make him spend the whole day there. *sigh*

[3] How is it that Eva can be soooo perfect? I feel like I'm being tricked and one day, she's gonna start screaming and never stop. I'm not kidding when I say the only time she cries is when she's super hungry and letting me know to drop what I'm doing immediately, so I can go fill up her little belly. And, the only time she ever gets a little fussy is when she's demanding that daddy drop the iPhone and continue to make goofy faces at her. She rarely spits up and has only pooped up her back like three times. Hopefully this perfect streak doesn't come to a screeching halt. It's nice to have a little break from the little monsters that I usually create....lol!

[4] Love. This has been on my mind a lot lately. How do you know if you truly love someone if that love has not been tested? How do you know that you'd do anything for somebody if nothing has been required of you? True love doesn't always feel good, unless it is reciprocated. When you truly love someone you may have to endure heartbreak and you won't be able to put the pieces back together by yourself. With true love you'll have given your heart to someone else and you'll be standing there hoping that they are kind enough to help you put the pieces back together. I have learned this year that we may never truly know what love is until it has been tested and come out victorious.
  On the other hand do you really love someone if you have done something to test their love for you? And, if you have to say sorry are you really? Wouldn't it make sense that if you knew what you were doing was wrong and would hurt someone then you just wouldn't do it? I get that mistakes happen, but what about those things that are a conscience decision, not just a mistake, like spilling a glass of milk. I don't know if just saying sorry is enough. I don't know if it's real. Wouldn't it be great to know exactly how people think and feel, so that we would know if we were just wasting our time or not? Maybe, that would be too easy. Maybe, just like it would eliminate heartbreak, frustration and anger it would also eliminate joy, excitement and relief. What's the fun in knowing stuff before it happens? I guess we just have to take the bad with the good. There really wouldn't be one without the other.

  These are my thoughts for today. Something to ponder when I get bored...lol. Any thoughts, feedback or just stating that you disagree with any of the above and think I'm totally nuts are welcome:-)

The holidays are on their way!

  So, nap time is the only "me time" that I really get and that's only if all of my children decide to take one. Today is one of those rare occasions where Ryan actually fell asleep and Eva decided that sleeping is more important to her than eating, so I decided to post a blog, because it's been a while.
  I happen to love Fall. It's my favorite season of all! I don't know if it's the Pumpkin Spice latte's from Starbucks, the leaves changing color or the fact that I'm not looked down upon for wearing a long skirt during this time of year that does the trick, but whatever the reason is it is my absolute favorite time of year.
  Today, in honor of Fall I am thinking about the holidays. Probably because we are going to let the kids go pick out their Halloween costumes tonight...no we don't worship Satan, we just really enjoy candy....especially when it's free:-) After Halloween comes Thanksgiving and then Christmas is right around the corner. I really love the holidays, but I also don't put too much thought into them or more specifically where they originate from. I don't care if most of them were pagan holidays that's not why I celebrate them.
  For me Halloween is all about the candy!!! I remember going out with my dad and pushing myself to keep going until my pillowcase was almost full and too heavy to carry. That candy lasted almost the whole year! We were the trick-or-treating champs of Arnett Blvd. and it was all thanks to my dad shouting at us to let greed fill our hearts...LOL!...he really said that (jokingly of course, but we took him seriously). Then we'd go back to the house for pizza and pop and fill a huge bowl with candy for my dad, so he could keep it in his van and eat it on the road.
  Thanksgiving has always been my favorite! It always makes me feel the happiest. I love having a ton of family all gathered in the same house. There is never enough furniture and all the kids are so loud and obnoxious and at least five drinks get knocked over, but I adore it. I love all the smells: turkey, mashed potatoes with gravy, pumpkin pie, coffee, burning candles. It smells like heaven! I also love all the noise: people laughing and talking, glasses clinking, silverware, kids playing, whatever's on the TV. It all comes together in one big hum and sounds like fun. I just love it!
  Christmas has always been more of a relaxing holiday for us. We have a huge breakfast and then do presents in the morning. By the afternoon half of us are napping and the other more adventurous half are heading out to go sledding. Then, we all gather around the table for dinner and finish the night off with a family game.
  The only thing the holidays really mean to me is time spent with family and showing my kids that being around your favorite people in the world is not worth giving up for anything.
 

Remember when...

    "Please let me go back. Please, please, pleassssseeee!!!!" This was my thought as I passed by my old apartment complex today, on the way home from apple picking with my three kids. Every time I am anywhere near the place I used to live a flood of nostalgia fills me and I wish that I could go back in time...just for a few moments. It was a simpler time. It was just me and my husband. We both worked full time jobs and only had to worry about ourselves. We could spend all of our free time together. We didn't have to schedule dates or try to find the time to focus on "us" and Saturdays meant that we could sleep in. Plus, I really loved that apartment. It was very clean and pretty spacious, or maybe it just seemed that way, because there was only two of us.
  Sometimes when life, here in my three bedroom house with my three kids, gets a little too chaotic for my taste I close my eyes and imagine myself back there, alone in my two bedroom apartment. I can remember spending hours getting ready, trying to make myself beautiful for Brad. I remember coming home after being out late at a friends house and being able to just fall into bed without getting a bunch of other people ready for bed first. I remember making dinner for two at nine o clock at night. I remember feeling high on love. Life was great!

  When I open my eyes again I see my family: Ryan, my funny boy, standing in front of me asking for the millionth time if I like when the police give me tickets. Mason, my momma's boy, saying "Mom" a thousand times and no matter how many times I respond with "What?" he never has anything to follow it up with. Eva, my beautiful princess, fussing to let me know she's hungry...again. And, Brad, my husband, a little older than before and a lot more tired, but just as handsome. I see my four favorite people in the world in our messy home and I realize that while times back then were much simpler, with fewer responsibilities, fears and heartbreaks, I can't honestly say that they were happier. When I open my eyes and look at my family I see my heart.

Making progress.

  So, today I had my six week post-natal check up. I was happy to find out that after skipping breakfast and kicking off my shoes I weighed in at only one pound heavier than my post Eva body weight. One more pound to go...sort of. Where I really wanna be is my post Ryan body weight, which is about 21 pounds away...Yikes! I know I can do it if I just give myself a chance and don't make up lame excuses like "The kids are starving and McDonalds is quick. I don't want them to feel uncomfortable if I  don't eat, so I'll just slam down a double cheeseburger and medium fry. Really, it's all for the kids!" or, how about this one "It's Friday. I can't start an exercise program at the end of the week...looks like I'm waiting til Monday". Yes, unfortunately this has been me for the past six weeks. I told myself I was waiting for my six week appointment, so I could weigh in and get the go ahead to exercise. As if I needed to be told that exercise was safe in order to start eating healthier.
  Well, here we are. I have made it to week six of being a mother to three children and I am proud to say that they are all still alive...lol! I am also happy to announce that the most beautiful girl ever born is finally here...sorry, all you other parents can now only have the second most beautiful little girl. Just kidding;-)....Not really.
  Anyways, I was hoping to get some motivation and helpful hints about weight loss from sources other than my Self magazine (can we please put up a picture of a fat woman who needs to lose weight and not an already perfect celebrity, who, in my down moments, I would like to strap down and shove cupcakes in her face? Thanks.) and my son, Ryan, who informed me that it looks like I have another baby in my tummy and asked if Eva was gonna have to drink from a cup, so that the new baby could use my boobs:-/ (Jeez, kid, it's been six weeks! Cut me some slack...but thanks for making me want to start sticking a toothbrush down my throat.). Don't get me wrong those two things combined could have me looking like a stay at home mommy version of a model in no time (ya know slim, but soft without a six pack and without a fake chest and a slightly bigger than average booty. Plus, add in child bearing hips and dark circles under your eyes and you've got a mommy fit for a runway!) . I would settle for that version of a model. I would even be happy with it. Pretty without having to give up my role as mommy...or my food. Sounds perfect!
  So, if anyone has any tips such as favorite healthy recipes, favorite exercises or even pics of your favorite "too sexy" celebrities that I can throw things at let me know. Thanks:-)

Kids say the darndest things:-/....I wish I could too;-)

So, Ryan, my dear, sweet DEVIL child has been known to make me laugh out loud on occasion...okay, more like multiple times a day. He also has the uncanny ability to have me doubled over laughing one minute and running out of breath screaming the next. Thanks to this little hellion....I mean boy...most days I feel bipolar at best. He definitely knows how to bring out the best and worst in me. I wish he would work a little harder at bringing out the best, so I could win Mommy Of The Year award and not just an honorable mention:-/
Just for the record all of those parents that told me I wouldn't be laughing when it was my son saying the embarrassing stuff lied! I do laugh. Hard. Sometimes I can't even hide it and I get dirty looks from people, who are clearly waiting to see how I will discipline my child. Here are some Ryan Quotes of the Day that, at the very least, have made me smile:

"Mom, why does Henry have his shirt off? Is he trying to show off his belly?"
This was said very loudly about our next door neighbor, who happened to be washing his car.

After I yelled at him for five minutes about him pooping his pants and asking him if he understood his reply was "Um, mom, I don't know what to say." lol. Classic male move - playing dumb.

After repeatedly getting up off the couch and not following the "time out" rules I yanked him by the arm, slammed his fanny back onto the couch and folded his hands for him. Ryan looks up at me and sweetly says "Excuse me, mom, thank you for showing me how to sit on the couch."

The other day at McDonalds Playplace I had to tell him to speak nicer to the other little boy there, even though I knew the other little kid was being a bully and his parents were too busy on their phones to do anything about it. So, when I heard Ryan say "Please stop kicking me or I'll punch you in the face" I had to hand it to him for saying "Please" and I pretended not to notice when the other parents finally looked up from their phones to see if I was gonna yell at my son for the threat he made...um, of course I wasn't. He did say it politely after all;-)

And, then how about today when he told a broken toy that he was trying to play with that it being broken was "seriously stressing me out". Lol!! Gotta love when they repeat everything they hear...and he hears that a lot.

No matter how crazy Ryan is or how many times he poops his pants, we will always share a special bond, because he'll always know what I'm thinking...and say it out loud for me:-)

Blessings

I am not over exaggerating when I say this has been the hardest year of my life. To be quite frank when I was a little girl dreaming about what life as a grown woman would be like I never saw myself where I am today. Where am I today? Today I feel broken and alone. I feel like I'm holding on by a thread of hope and I'm afraid that at any moment it might snap. I'm trying my hardest to get myself out of this funk. So, here I am about to count my blessings, because I know that things could be worse...way worse.
I'd like to start off my list with my children. All three of them are simply amazing: Ryan- My oldest. The baby that scared me out of my mind. I had to learn everything about raising a baby with him. He was absolutely perfect and he still is. He is healthy, hilarious, strong willed, handsome...just perfect. He's the kid that makes me burst out laughing multiple times a day. He is also the kid that sends me to my knees in prayer, so that I don't kill him...lol! He's probably the most like me personality wise, but he looks just like his daddy...so handsome! I love my little man.
Mason- My middle child. They say the middle child is forgotten, but Mase won't let me forget him. He follows me everywhere!! I think the doctors may have forgotten to clip his cord at birth...lol! That boy loves his momma! He is quieter than Ryan, but he knows how to get his point across. He loves to cuddle and if I wanted to he'd let me carry him around all day long. He's happiest when he's by my side. And, last night he said "I love you" to me for the very first time. How can it get better than that?
Eva- My third and possibly last child. My first little girl:-) I can not get over how amazing she is. She is so small and beautiful. She sleeps best if she's cuddled up to mommy or daddy. She has the prettiest little smile (I don't care if it is "just gas" at this point, it's gorgeous!)And, when she looks up at me with her sweet little face I know that there isn't a thing in this world that I wouldn't do for her.
I love my babies. When I feel like lying down and giving up I look over at my angels and realize that they are my life. They are worth whatever I have to go through. They are reason enough for me to not just exist, but to actually live my life to the fullest. To find joy in "the small things" and realize that maybe they're not so small after all. Maybe that's what life is all about.

And, the worst mother of the year award goes to....

  Every time I get frustrated or down right mad at one of my kids and lose my temper I hate myself. The sound of my raised voice or the feeling on my hand after I swat one of their butts makes me cringe. I feel like the worst mother alive, the scum of the earth. Since, this happens at least once a day I always feel bad. Today was no exception.
  I woke up thinking to myself "This is gonna be a great day! I'm gonna be a great mom and make my kids a decent breakfast and take them to the library." I hopped out of bed and walked down stairs to find Mason sitting on the kitchen floor playing in a raw egg that he had somehow managed to get out of the fridge and smash on the floor. I shook my head, grabbed my boy, cleaned him off, and then cleaned the floor. Nothing was gonna ruin my mood or my day! I was determined!!....or so I thought.
  Fast forward a couple of hours to the library. We had only been there for about twenty minutes when my three year old, Ryan, had a major melt down, due to the fact that he couldn't find a train he wanted. I told him, nicely, multiple times to cut the crap or we were leaving. He obviously did not take me seriously and proceeded to start jumping and screaming....in a library!! I could sense the eyes of everybody else in the library on me as I scooped up Mason and proceeded to the check out line with Ryan in tow screaming bloody murder. I could feel my blood pressure rising with each ear splitting scream. Common sense told me to leave the movies and books behind and just leave as fast as I could, but my stubborn streak propelled me forward to the check out line, screaming child and all. I am pretty sure that everyone hated me as much as I hated me. As, the librarian checked out my books Ryan started screaming that I was not his mommy. Sheer humiliation filled me and I bent down, grabbed his face and told him to be quiet or he'd be getting spanked. At this point I was sure somebody had reached into their pocket, picked up their cell phone and dialed CPS....at the very least they probably wanted to. I could feel the tears start to fill my eyes as I walked out of the library. A little old lady stopped me to tell me that every parent has gone through this and not to worry about it. Bless her dear heart. If only she knew what I wanted to do to the screaming demon that took over my little boy. I smiled at her and bent my head down, because those  tears were gonna come at any moment. I got the kids in the car and sent out a text to my husband. Ryan, at this point, had not calmed down in the least. His screams had made Mason start to cry and those tears I had been trying so hard to hold back finally made it out of my eyes and down my cheeks. I was humiliated, exhausted and extremely angry with both myself and my son. I am ashamed to say that the text I sent out was to tell my husband that I hated our child. Yes, I actually said that I hated him. Luckily it was not to him, but still what was I thinking??! Who hates a three year old? Especially your own kid? I was a mess. And, the response I got did nothing to help. I took it as a "This is your own fault, because you stand in the way of me doing my job" response and, so I lashed out and sent out a nasty text to my husband. Jeez! I was on a roll. Now, I own two awards. Worst mother and worst wife. But, wait it gets worse. On my way out of the parking lot I realize that Ryan has left his sun glasses in the library and he's screaming about those now, so I pull back in and run into the library to look for them. Yep, I left my crying kids in the car. I get the glasses and as I'm leaving the librarians are all telling me how calm I am and how well I handled the situation. Apparently they think I'm some sort of angel mother. This makes me feel worse. They have no clue that I want to beat my child or that I just admitted to hating him to my husband. I get out of there as fast as I can. I feel so ashamed that I head over to McDonalds to buy Happy Meals and let the kids run around in the Play Place. Really?!! Since, when do parents reward their children for horrific behavior? Ever since I gave birth.
  Ryan is now completely calm and happy as a clam. He's playing nicely with all of the other children and telling me how happy he is and saying "Look, Mom, I'm not crying anymore. I'm a good boy are you proud?" I am thinking to myself 'Well, at least, we have established that I am indeed your mother', but instead of being sarcastic to a three year old I just nod and smile. He is happy. He won't remember the day he made his mother cry. He'll grow up just fine, so why ruin it? The only person who seems to be negatively effected by all of this is me. Why do I let things get so out of control? How can I be better? As, I'm asking myself these questions I realize that it's not Ryan's fault. He's three. He is learning how to act and react. His meltdowns and temper tantrums are all a part of growing up. They are his learning experiences. It's not my job to make him act like he's thirty when he's three, it's my job to help him learn a different way to vent his frustrations. Leaving the library was a good idea. He needs to know that there will always be consequences for your actions. You scream in a library then you will have to leave the library. Period. No amount of begging or screaming will change that. In my opinion (now), McDonalds was also a good choice. Once he calmed down and realized that there was no going back to the library the lesson was learned. I don't have to keep punishing him all day for the thing he did wrong in that moment.
  It's also not my husbands fault that I cried. He gave me an honest answer. That's what I'm always asking for, right? Honesty. It means more to me than sparing my feelings and stroking my "mommy ego". If you're not gonna be honest then good bye. Don't let the door hit you in the butt on your way out. I can't stand liars. This situation doesn't call for any less honesty than any other one. So, thank you, to him for opening my eyes to that.
  Everyday I learn something new and today I learned to give myself a little break. If I am always hating on myself or thinking how useless I am it's no wonder a small part of my child's growing up can make me cry. If I am gonna blame myself for the bad then I also need to take credit for the good...or at least partial credit. My kids are healthy, they are happy most of the time, they always want to be near me, they are comfortable in their own skin, they know exactly what they want and aren't easily swayed, they are great little teachers (you know teaching me patience, how to laugh at poop on the floor, and how to be a mommy) and best of all they love me and I love them.

*For Eva*

  I was reading up on my pregnancy the other day. I love reading about how big my baby girl is growing each week. She started out as a tiny poppy seed and now, at 35 weeks, weighs as much as a honeydew! It's intriguing to me how quickly babies and small children develop. One minute they can't even hold up their own heads and then a year later they are walking and talking. Their ability to learn and to grow is amazing! And, even though this is my third baby I am still in a constant state of amazement of the little and brilliant life growing inside of me. Eva Grace Wolff, I have loved you since the moment that I saw that positive pregnancy test and I will never stop.
  Anyways, one of things that my baby newsletter suggested was that I write down a pregnancy memory and I thought what a good idea that was. There have been many. So, here goes, Eva. These are some memories that we made together before you were even born.

Dec 13, 2010- This is the day that I found out that I was expecting my third baby. I was pretty excited. Daddy and I had just finished Christmas shopping for your brothers. I texted a friend and asked her to pray that everything would go okay.

March 26, 2011- This is the first day that somebody recognized that I was actually pregnant and not just fat...HAHAHA!!! Daddy and I were on a cruise, trying to take advantage of some alone time together before another baby arrived. The guy that took care of us and cleaned our room congratulated me and seemed really happy for me. His wife was also pregnant with a baby girl and he was very excited to become a daddy. That is one of my best memories about our vacation.

April 8, 2011- This is the day that the doctors told me that I was getting my wish and having a girl. I was so thrilled. I almost couldn't believe it. I went out with a friend after my appointment and bought you some pretty dresses.

April 10, 2011- This is the first day that I was terrified of having a girl. I was so worried that I might not be able to protect you from all of the evil in this world. I never want you to be heartbroken or taken advantage of. I never want you to feel the awful pain of rejection or to know the feeling of worthlessness. I always want you to feel safe, happy, secure and, above all else, loved. I made up my mind to tell you every day how beautiful, extraordinary and special you are.

July 19, 2011- Your brother, Ryan, wanted to feel you move, so I put his hand on my belly and you gave him a good hard kick and started to move all over the place. He was not very happy that you kicked him and told me he didn't want a baby Eva...HAHA! But, I know that he will love you and be an awesome big brother.

  These are some of my memories, baby girl. I can't wait to make a whole life time more of them with you. Love, Momma.

Change Is Inevitable...so, deal with it ;-)

  I sat down to write a blog simply because I need to de-stress and relax, but I know that if I try to read a book or watch a movie then I will undoubtedly pass out and I'm not quite ready to do that just yet. It's only 9:17pm here and the kiddies still need their teeth brushed, diapers/pull-ups changed and their bedtime story before I can actually call it a night. I feel like such an old lady. Am I seriously ready for bed at nine at night?! What happened to the fun, exciting, spontaneous, loud, obnoxious, young girl that I used to be and who is this boring old bat that has taken over? Okay, maybe I still have loud and obnoxious down, but I miss the rest of me.
  I can tell you what happened. Kids happened. Do I regret having my children? Absolutely not. Do I miss who I was before children? EVERY SINGLE DAY!!!
  It really bugs me when people try to make you feel bad about changing. As if you did it to purposely piss them off. Like, when your single friends get all annoyed that you actually want to spend time with the person you CHOSE to marry and they say stuff like "You promised you wouldn't change" or "You better not ignore us, now that your married. We were friends before he came along". First of all, I never made that promise. I'm not stupid and I realized that no matter who entered my life first my husband would always be number one. It also tends to get on my nerves when friends who don't yet have kids refuse to even try to understand that going out for you now takes some serious planning. No, I'm not trying to be rude when I turn down your offer to leave my house in 5 minutes to meet you at the store. I simply need time to find a babysitter, feed the kids dinner and possibly even shower (because that happens when I can fit it in now that I have kids, not first thing in the morning:-/). And, of course the age old argument that "Just because you have kids doesn't mean that you have to change." Um, let me just say that yes, yes it does. That is, in fact, exactly what it means. Do people not understand that as soon as a ring goes on your finger or as soon as conception takes place you have already begun the changing process? Getting married is change. Having a baby is change. Change is inevitable.
  Change doesn't have to be a bad thing. I, for one, love being married and I also love being a mother. To me change is not something to be feared, but to be embraced. I get to be creative and come up with different ways to have fun with it. For instance, when you are married you get to hang out with other couples, make some new friends, do different things and act completely surprised when your hubby shows up for girls night out;-) And, when you become a mother the simplest things in life like taking a ten minute shower, having your mom watch the baby, so you can eat dinner without him/her on your lap, reading more than a page of a good book at a time or getting a full eight hours of sleep become luxuries to you and you appreciate life just a little more then you did when you were childless and spoiled.
  Plus, there is no better feeling than little Mason crawling up on my lap just to give me a smooch before he crawls back down to go play with his toys (strewn across the entire house). There is no better sound than my mini me, Ryan, laughing his head off at a poop joke or begging me not to sweep up the ants (oops! That's where that piece of jelly toast landed) because they are really cool and they're his friends. There is no better reward than when my husband comes up behind me and rubs my shoulders and back after a long day, because he appreciates everything I've done.
  So, having written all of that let me just finish by saying that number one, I live for girls night out!.... and date nights with my lover. Number two, I wouldn't trade my kids in for all the spontaneity and energy in the world. And, number three, maybe when I'm in my forties and my children are grown I can revisit the young girl I used to be and go have fun with her, but for right now I am content to be this tired, sometimes frazzled, but usually happy version of me.
 

Politically Incorrect!

Hmmm...oh boy! Where do I even begin? I guess I should start out by saying that I am one of the most politically incorrect people I know. It's not that I try to be rude or hateful or that I want people to dislike me or cringe when they see me coming, it's just that I don't see the point in sugar coating the truth. I don't care if you're red, yellow, black or white. I don't care if you're fat or skinny. I simply use those adjectives to describe people, because it's easier than saying "The young woman behind that older man", especially if you're standing in a crowded room and there are a bunch of young and old people mingled together. Having said that let me now say this maybe I should start being more aware of what I say, since I have two young boys, one of which repeats absolutely everything...even things I don't remember ever saying.
I might have come to this revelation the day my son tried having a conversation with a "darker skinned" child that lives down the street. It went something like this:

Ryan: Hey, little black boy want to play?
Jeffery: What?!
Me: (completely mortified) Ryan, his name is Jeffery.
Ryan: (getting an inch from Jeffery's face and staring into his eyes) Hey, Jeffery what color is your skin?
Me: (jumping out of my seat) OKAY...who wants to blow bubbles?

Now, the thing here to remember is that Ryan is only three and super curious and alert. He picks up on every difference and similarity and asks a billion questions. He was not being mean at all, he was just wondering what made him and his friend different colors. So, how do you go about explaining that blurting that stuff out is rude without making it seem like one is better than the other? Here is another example. Maybe, you'll understand more of what I'm getting at.

Ryan: Hey, dad, Victor the Great is my black friend.
Brad: Ryan, don't say he's your black friend, just say he's your friend.
Ryan: Why? Is it bad to say black?
I enter the room.
Ryan: Hey, mom, Victor is peach!
Me: (looking at Brad) Great! Now we've taught him that being white is good and being black is bad:-/

So, now do you understand why I am a little leary about trying to teach my son that noticing differences is not okay?? Don't get me wrong if he were to ever make fun of the differences I'd be all over that with discipline. He is definitely no angel, like when my mother came over for dinner and he called her a "Whore-Goose"...I can promise you I have never ever said that and he was disciplined on the spot!...or the time when he announced to everyone that "Nana wasn't beautiful" (Nana is my very sensitive MIL, thank God she wasn't there to hear that one!). But, he isn't a little demon, either. He is just a little boy learning the ways of this crazy, confusing and hypocritical world. Hopefully, I can help him navigate it, while keeping him from getting shot or ending up in jail.
So, here's to all the politically incorrect people out there trying to make their way in this ever confusing "politically correct" world.

The End Of Sorts...

  As many of you probably know, or have assumed from reading my previous blogs, my marriage hit a rough patch. If I were to be completely honest with myself and with all of you I'd have to say that trouble in paradise had been brewing for a while, but everything came to a head about a month ago. I would really rather not go into detail. Some wounds just need to stay closed, so that the healing process can be completed. The wounds I have are some of those. I prefer them not to keep being re-opened by having to keep re-telling "the story". I have already gone over every minute detail, rehashed every moment leading up to one of the worst moments in my history, and cried myself dry. While all of that was a part of my healing process I am done now. I am finally ready to move forward without looking back.
  This next part is for all of the important people in my life. Whether you know all of the details or not I really appreciate your support. Many of you have been there for me in my darkest moments and you will never know how much that has meant to me. Just know that I would not have pulled through this without you.
  There is, however, one thing that I need to make very clear. If you are truly in support of me then you are in support of everything that I want and I do want my marriage and my husband. He still is and always will be the man of my dreams. I realize that everyone has their own opinions. Many of you may not be able to understand that, but it is MY choice and not yours, so I ask that you, at the very least, respect that.
  You don't need to feel obligated to choose sides. There is no Team Brad or Team Rachel, there is only a Team Us and I wouldn't have it any other way.
  This ends the blogs about this particular area in my life, so you can all breathe a sigh of relief now. I am on to much more boring and funnier/lighthearted topics. Thank you for bearing with me and reading along in my not so happy or uplifting recounts of a life I am truly thankful to be living.

Then and now...

So, my blog has unfortunately become less funny and more serious and personal. I will eventually get it back to being slightly funny and probably "grotesque", as someone once put it, but for right now it is what it is and I hope you'll bare with me.
As, I began unpacking some boxes I came across a poem I wrote a little more than five years ago. That was the result of a conversation I'd had with my husband when he first expressed his thoughts about what I believed; what I thought we both believed.
Reading through it today has reminded me that my faith has never wavered and that no matter what may come I will always have that.
It's not well written or even profound, but that's me. Simple and real, not eloquent or put on.
So, here it is.

What do you believe in exactly?
You say you believe in me.
Please don't, I'm not anything.
You say you won't follow blindly.
So, then what is it that you're doing?

Is understanding truly everything?
What about instant peace?
Is that so hard to believe?
And, what about all of our mistakes?
Do you not believe in his grace?

You ask me if your love is enough,
but wonder if it's not?
I ask you if HIS love is enough
And you tell me that it's not.

I listen almost speechless.
Definitely scared.
Am I supposed to pretend that I don't care?
I do.
But you're telling me in confidence
So my questions will remain unanswered
Because I'm not allowed to ask.

I Try to be the strong one.
I don't want you to see my fear.
I don't want you to doubt that I believe HE'S here.

So, I hide my tears in the dark of the room.
And, I struggle not to cry.
I am hoping you don't notice that my calm voice is a lie.

I am reminding myself to breath
It only gets harder as you continue pouring out your heart to me.

I must be strong.
I cannot be weak.
This is me.

But, maybe you're not the only one, who has been hiding how you really feel.
Could it be that I too have secrets that this strength is not real?

Maybe, I'm just a little bit sick of being "brave".
Too tired to lead you the rest of the way.

I need you to know that yes, I am weak.
I am not the rock I want to be.
There are things that shake my faith.
I rely on others for my strength.
I do cry when I get hurt.
I need help getting back up.
Though, it's self perseverance I've tried to show, I cannot do it on my own.

I want you to know that I've chosen the path I will follow.
With or without you.
That things do shake my faith, but they will never break my faith.
That while I may need help getting back up, I will never give up.

I don't have the answer to every question.
I don't think anybody does.
Some things we must figure out on our own, but we are never alone.

Finally, no matter what you believe in or what you don't.
No matter what path you choose to go.
No matter how long it takes you to find the truth.
No matter what it takes until you do.
I will be here when you need me.
I will pray with you and for you.
I will never give up and leave.
I will always love you.


This ends the poem. Funny how something written a few months after we said "I do" still pertains today.

Finding out what's important

For those of you looking for a funny or lighthearted read keep going. Maybe, it's because of a "conversation" that I just had with the person that I love the most, maybe it's because that person just left today on a business trip or maybe it's because of my pregnancy hormones, but whatever the reason I am feeling more contrite and poignant than silly or sarcastic. For those of you that know me that is probably a big shock, but here goes...
After questioning my husband about why we aren't quite on the same page lately and why I was feeling disconnected from him, it was brought to my attention that people aren't gonna stick around and try to connect when they are put down all the time and made to feel worthless. I don't know why this came as a complete shock to me, but it did. Not the whole people not wanting to be treated like garbage part, but the fact that my husband felt like I treated him that way. I literally felt like the breath had been knocked out of me. What?! Me?! Making the person I care about the most feel like dirt to the point that they didn't feel like being around me?! Ouch! What a serious wake up call.
After reminding myself to breathe the first thing I did was apologize and tried to make him believe that I really and truly love him.
The next thing I did was reflect. I thought about previous conversations and arguments. I thought about how bad my attitude can be or how nasty I can get when I'm stressed. I even thought about my body language. When was the last time I had reached out to hold his hand or stood on my tippy toes to give him a smooch? Why couldn't I say "I love you" or "You're awesome!" as opposed to "You don't change enough diapers" or "Really? A short check? How about getting to work on time?!". Why can't I just be happy and content with the many, many blessings I have. Like, the fact that my husband has a job and the fact that there are diapers to change and we aren't struggling with conceiving. Is it really necessary to roll my eyes, shrug my shoulders or smirk in response to my husband's best efforts?
For a moment I felt panicky. My marriage isn't bad or falling apart. We have our ups and downs like everyone else, but in that moment it crossed my mind that life is not guaranteed. What if my husband, the one person I got to choose to be related to, ended up in a freak accident and dying? What if the last thing he ever thought about me was that I didn't appreciate him and didn't have anything positive to say to him? This may all seem so cheesy and cliche, but I was really horrified with myself and disgusted at the way I had been treating my bestfriend. The worst part is that we had this conversation over text three days before he was supposed to leave on his trip.
I remembered something that my pastor's wife had shared with the ladies. She said if we had bad attitudes or let negativity and stress dictate our attitudes then our whole house would be in chaos. You see, we women set the tone for our homes. If we are prayed up and don't let the stresses of life dictate our moods then we can set the tone for a calm, peaceful and joyful household. I took that to heart and tried to make the last few days count.
I stopped nagging, grumbling and complaining. I let the little things and minor annoyances slide without a rude or sarcastic comment. I tried being appreciative and being more affectionate. I tried adopting a calm light hearted spirit. Of course I'm still a work in progress, but I liked the new me and I hope my husband did as well.
My new goal is not how much I can get done around the house or keeping a tally of who does what. It's not to save enough money to buy really great stuff for our new home or make my husband leave early enough, so that we can get every penny we can. My new goal is to make sure that the person I committed to spending the rest of my life with knows just how special he is and how lucky I feel to have made that commitment to him and how exited I am to keep that commitment.

"I do"
September 9, 2005

The lovely truths about birth...Warning: Not so lovely!

So, lately I have been thinking a lot about birth...my last birth experience to be exact. Probably because I am expecting again. So far I have given birth to two rambuctious boys. The first via Cesarian Section and the second via....well, ya know, the good old fashioned way;-) It's the second birth, the "natural" birth, that has me worried. Can you even classify that as natural?! I don't think so, but here I am again. I tell myself that I just get pregnant for the great parking spots, but it's gotta be something more than that to make me put my once very nice body through all of this for a third time.
My mind keeps going back to the hospital room on the day of November 17, 2009. Six days before my due date. It's been twelve hours, two and a half of that has been pure pushing...and screaming. The doctors actually shut the door, so I wouldn't scare the other mommy's to be. I am at my breaking point...literally. I am imagining a rubber band stretched to it's limit and getting the little tears in it before it finally snaps. All at once everyone starts yelling. The baby is coming. They can see his head pushing through. Everything happens in a matter of minutes, though it seems as if time has slowed waaaay down. I can feel each beat of my heart, hear everyone, including my normally calm and in control mother, screaming that I'm almost there. I feel the nurse grab my hand and try to yank it in-between my legs, so I can "feel" the baby being born. I grab my hand back completely horrified of what I'll feel. No thank you, grabbing my own baby out is not for me. If it was I'd be at home in my bath tub. I chose the hospital for a reason.
That's when the burning sensation stops for a moment and I feel that first pop. The head is out. My husband, not the brightest crayon in the box, leans down and whispers lovingly in my ear "You're almost done. Now you just gotta get the shoulders out." At this point I literally start weeping. I can't explain to you the intense fear and anxiety that took over me in that moment. All of that work just for the head and I still have to get the shoulders out. With those two sentences my husband had taken my feelings of triumph and victory and had replaced them with extreme fear and doubt. I took a deep breath, prayed that our baby would not be a line backer and pushed with everything I had left. Surprisingly the rest of him popped right out. All the fear, doubt and exhaustion melted away. Sure, I was still tired and the work was not quite finished yet. I knew that my placenta still needed to be pushed out, but that was nothing and soon I was holding Mason Xander Wolff for the first time in my arms.
I'm not gonna tell you that I found the birthing process to be easy or even natural. To me pushing a watermelon through the eye of a needle will never be natural. But, I will tell you this...it was worth it.
I now know that my body is capable of giving birth without splitting into two and that my heart is capable of an intense love, that I can't quite describe, without exploding. That right there is why I am doing this again and why I probably won't stop here.

Ryan Charles
January 9, 2008

Mason Xander
November 17, 2009