Random thoughts of the day.

  So, here I am again blessed to be the mother of three beautiful sleeping children.....YES!!! I have a lot on my mind, so this blog is going to be extremely random, kind of choppy and probably hard to follow. I guess that kind of explains how I function on a day to day basis. One minute I'm cleaning dishes and half way through I notice a diaper that needs changing and while I'm on all fours cleaning one of my kid's booties I notice a dirty sock and that starts me off doing a load of laundry, when I all of the sudden remember that the dishes need to be finished. I'm all over the place. I literally need a check list to keep me on schedule and focused. I may have ADHD....lol! Anyways, these are my thoughts so far today:

  [1] Is my son Mason just bipolar or is it something about seeing the church building that sets him off? I mean, seriously, he could be perfectly fine and as soon as we pull into the church parking lot he's acting like Satan himself has possessed his soul. I am not kidding when I say that I spanked him three times at church last night and he still gave me Hell every time I brought him back into the sanctuary. And, then as soon as we got into the car to leave and I turned on his Micky Mouse cd, he was all smiles and singing along. Are You Freaking Kidding Me?!!! And, why is it that people always feel the need to tell you what a great mother you are when your kids are carrying out the devils latest task, by trying to ruin service for everyone? Why can't they tell you how awesome you are when your kids are behaving, so that you actually believe them?...maybe it would help if my kids behaved...hmmmmm

[2] Is there a "candid camera" hiding in my house somewhere? Is somebody evil paying/bribing my son, Ryan to poop in his pants? I mean, come on, we've been doing this whole potty training thing for a year now and he's no closer to pooping in the toilet than he was when he was fresh out of the womb. I'll have him sitting on the potty for twenty minutes telling him to squeeze just a little harder, so he can empty his bowels in the appropriate place and I'll give him some candy when he's done (Heck, at this point I'd hand the kid a hundred dollar bill!....well, maybe a dollar. Momma doesn't have any hundreds:-/ ), but, no, he'd rather waste my time and then poop his pants two minutes after he gets off the toilet. Why do I even let him off?!!! I should make him spend the whole day there. *sigh*

[3] How is it that Eva can be soooo perfect? I feel like I'm being tricked and one day, she's gonna start screaming and never stop. I'm not kidding when I say the only time she cries is when she's super hungry and letting me know to drop what I'm doing immediately, so I can go fill up her little belly. And, the only time she ever gets a little fussy is when she's demanding that daddy drop the iPhone and continue to make goofy faces at her. She rarely spits up and has only pooped up her back like three times. Hopefully this perfect streak doesn't come to a screeching halt. It's nice to have a little break from the little monsters that I usually create....lol!

[4] Love. This has been on my mind a lot lately. How do you know if you truly love someone if that love has not been tested? How do you know that you'd do anything for somebody if nothing has been required of you? True love doesn't always feel good, unless it is reciprocated. When you truly love someone you may have to endure heartbreak and you won't be able to put the pieces back together by yourself. With true love you'll have given your heart to someone else and you'll be standing there hoping that they are kind enough to help you put the pieces back together. I have learned this year that we may never truly know what love is until it has been tested and come out victorious.
  On the other hand do you really love someone if you have done something to test their love for you? And, if you have to say sorry are you really? Wouldn't it make sense that if you knew what you were doing was wrong and would hurt someone then you just wouldn't do it? I get that mistakes happen, but what about those things that are a conscience decision, not just a mistake, like spilling a glass of milk. I don't know if just saying sorry is enough. I don't know if it's real. Wouldn't it be great to know exactly how people think and feel, so that we would know if we were just wasting our time or not? Maybe, that would be too easy. Maybe, just like it would eliminate heartbreak, frustration and anger it would also eliminate joy, excitement and relief. What's the fun in knowing stuff before it happens? I guess we just have to take the bad with the good. There really wouldn't be one without the other.

  These are my thoughts for today. Something to ponder when I get bored...lol. Any thoughts, feedback or just stating that you disagree with any of the above and think I'm totally nuts are welcome:-)

The holidays are on their way!

  So, nap time is the only "me time" that I really get and that's only if all of my children decide to take one. Today is one of those rare occasions where Ryan actually fell asleep and Eva decided that sleeping is more important to her than eating, so I decided to post a blog, because it's been a while.
  I happen to love Fall. It's my favorite season of all! I don't know if it's the Pumpkin Spice latte's from Starbucks, the leaves changing color or the fact that I'm not looked down upon for wearing a long skirt during this time of year that does the trick, but whatever the reason is it is my absolute favorite time of year.
  Today, in honor of Fall I am thinking about the holidays. Probably because we are going to let the kids go pick out their Halloween costumes tonight...no we don't worship Satan, we just really enjoy candy....especially when it's free:-) After Halloween comes Thanksgiving and then Christmas is right around the corner. I really love the holidays, but I also don't put too much thought into them or more specifically where they originate from. I don't care if most of them were pagan holidays that's not why I celebrate them.
  For me Halloween is all about the candy!!! I remember going out with my dad and pushing myself to keep going until my pillowcase was almost full and too heavy to carry. That candy lasted almost the whole year! We were the trick-or-treating champs of Arnett Blvd. and it was all thanks to my dad shouting at us to let greed fill our hearts...LOL!...he really said that (jokingly of course, but we took him seriously). Then we'd go back to the house for pizza and pop and fill a huge bowl with candy for my dad, so he could keep it in his van and eat it on the road.
  Thanksgiving has always been my favorite! It always makes me feel the happiest. I love having a ton of family all gathered in the same house. There is never enough furniture and all the kids are so loud and obnoxious and at least five drinks get knocked over, but I adore it. I love all the smells: turkey, mashed potatoes with gravy, pumpkin pie, coffee, burning candles. It smells like heaven! I also love all the noise: people laughing and talking, glasses clinking, silverware, kids playing, whatever's on the TV. It all comes together in one big hum and sounds like fun. I just love it!
  Christmas has always been more of a relaxing holiday for us. We have a huge breakfast and then do presents in the morning. By the afternoon half of us are napping and the other more adventurous half are heading out to go sledding. Then, we all gather around the table for dinner and finish the night off with a family game.
  The only thing the holidays really mean to me is time spent with family and showing my kids that being around your favorite people in the world is not worth giving up for anything.
 

Remember when...

    "Please let me go back. Please, please, pleassssseeee!!!!" This was my thought as I passed by my old apartment complex today, on the way home from apple picking with my three kids. Every time I am anywhere near the place I used to live a flood of nostalgia fills me and I wish that I could go back in time...just for a few moments. It was a simpler time. It was just me and my husband. We both worked full time jobs and only had to worry about ourselves. We could spend all of our free time together. We didn't have to schedule dates or try to find the time to focus on "us" and Saturdays meant that we could sleep in. Plus, I really loved that apartment. It was very clean and pretty spacious, or maybe it just seemed that way, because there was only two of us.
  Sometimes when life, here in my three bedroom house with my three kids, gets a little too chaotic for my taste I close my eyes and imagine myself back there, alone in my two bedroom apartment. I can remember spending hours getting ready, trying to make myself beautiful for Brad. I remember coming home after being out late at a friends house and being able to just fall into bed without getting a bunch of other people ready for bed first. I remember making dinner for two at nine o clock at night. I remember feeling high on love. Life was great!

  When I open my eyes again I see my family: Ryan, my funny boy, standing in front of me asking for the millionth time if I like when the police give me tickets. Mason, my momma's boy, saying "Mom" a thousand times and no matter how many times I respond with "What?" he never has anything to follow it up with. Eva, my beautiful princess, fussing to let me know she's hungry...again. And, Brad, my husband, a little older than before and a lot more tired, but just as handsome. I see my four favorite people in the world in our messy home and I realize that while times back then were much simpler, with fewer responsibilities, fears and heartbreaks, I can't honestly say that they were happier. When I open my eyes and look at my family I see my heart.

Making progress.

  So, today I had my six week post-natal check up. I was happy to find out that after skipping breakfast and kicking off my shoes I weighed in at only one pound heavier than my post Eva body weight. One more pound to go...sort of. Where I really wanna be is my post Ryan body weight, which is about 21 pounds away...Yikes! I know I can do it if I just give myself a chance and don't make up lame excuses like "The kids are starving and McDonalds is quick. I don't want them to feel uncomfortable if I  don't eat, so I'll just slam down a double cheeseburger and medium fry. Really, it's all for the kids!" or, how about this one "It's Friday. I can't start an exercise program at the end of the week...looks like I'm waiting til Monday". Yes, unfortunately this has been me for the past six weeks. I told myself I was waiting for my six week appointment, so I could weigh in and get the go ahead to exercise. As if I needed to be told that exercise was safe in order to start eating healthier.
  Well, here we are. I have made it to week six of being a mother to three children and I am proud to say that they are all still alive...lol! I am also happy to announce that the most beautiful girl ever born is finally here...sorry, all you other parents can now only have the second most beautiful little girl. Just kidding;-)....Not really.
  Anyways, I was hoping to get some motivation and helpful hints about weight loss from sources other than my Self magazine (can we please put up a picture of a fat woman who needs to lose weight and not an already perfect celebrity, who, in my down moments, I would like to strap down and shove cupcakes in her face? Thanks.) and my son, Ryan, who informed me that it looks like I have another baby in my tummy and asked if Eva was gonna have to drink from a cup, so that the new baby could use my boobs:-/ (Jeez, kid, it's been six weeks! Cut me some slack...but thanks for making me want to start sticking a toothbrush down my throat.). Don't get me wrong those two things combined could have me looking like a stay at home mommy version of a model in no time (ya know slim, but soft without a six pack and without a fake chest and a slightly bigger than average booty. Plus, add in child bearing hips and dark circles under your eyes and you've got a mommy fit for a runway!) . I would settle for that version of a model. I would even be happy with it. Pretty without having to give up my role as mommy...or my food. Sounds perfect!
  So, if anyone has any tips such as favorite healthy recipes, favorite exercises or even pics of your favorite "too sexy" celebrities that I can throw things at let me know. Thanks:-)

Kids say the darndest things:-/....I wish I could too;-)

So, Ryan, my dear, sweet DEVIL child has been known to make me laugh out loud on occasion...okay, more like multiple times a day. He also has the uncanny ability to have me doubled over laughing one minute and running out of breath screaming the next. Thanks to this little hellion....I mean boy...most days I feel bipolar at best. He definitely knows how to bring out the best and worst in me. I wish he would work a little harder at bringing out the best, so I could win Mommy Of The Year award and not just an honorable mention:-/
Just for the record all of those parents that told me I wouldn't be laughing when it was my son saying the embarrassing stuff lied! I do laugh. Hard. Sometimes I can't even hide it and I get dirty looks from people, who are clearly waiting to see how I will discipline my child. Here are some Ryan Quotes of the Day that, at the very least, have made me smile:

"Mom, why does Henry have his shirt off? Is he trying to show off his belly?"
This was said very loudly about our next door neighbor, who happened to be washing his car.

After I yelled at him for five minutes about him pooping his pants and asking him if he understood his reply was "Um, mom, I don't know what to say." lol. Classic male move - playing dumb.

After repeatedly getting up off the couch and not following the "time out" rules I yanked him by the arm, slammed his fanny back onto the couch and folded his hands for him. Ryan looks up at me and sweetly says "Excuse me, mom, thank you for showing me how to sit on the couch."

The other day at McDonalds Playplace I had to tell him to speak nicer to the other little boy there, even though I knew the other little kid was being a bully and his parents were too busy on their phones to do anything about it. So, when I heard Ryan say "Please stop kicking me or I'll punch you in the face" I had to hand it to him for saying "Please" and I pretended not to notice when the other parents finally looked up from their phones to see if I was gonna yell at my son for the threat he made...um, of course I wasn't. He did say it politely after all;-)

And, then how about today when he told a broken toy that he was trying to play with that it being broken was "seriously stressing me out". Lol!! Gotta love when they repeat everything they hear...and he hears that a lot.

No matter how crazy Ryan is or how many times he poops his pants, we will always share a special bond, because he'll always know what I'm thinking...and say it out loud for me:-)

Blessings

I am not over exaggerating when I say this has been the hardest year of my life. To be quite frank when I was a little girl dreaming about what life as a grown woman would be like I never saw myself where I am today. Where am I today? Today I feel broken and alone. I feel like I'm holding on by a thread of hope and I'm afraid that at any moment it might snap. I'm trying my hardest to get myself out of this funk. So, here I am about to count my blessings, because I know that things could be worse...way worse.
I'd like to start off my list with my children. All three of them are simply amazing: Ryan- My oldest. The baby that scared me out of my mind. I had to learn everything about raising a baby with him. He was absolutely perfect and he still is. He is healthy, hilarious, strong willed, handsome...just perfect. He's the kid that makes me burst out laughing multiple times a day. He is also the kid that sends me to my knees in prayer, so that I don't kill him...lol! He's probably the most like me personality wise, but he looks just like his daddy...so handsome! I love my little man.
Mason- My middle child. They say the middle child is forgotten, but Mase won't let me forget him. He follows me everywhere!! I think the doctors may have forgotten to clip his cord at birth...lol! That boy loves his momma! He is quieter than Ryan, but he knows how to get his point across. He loves to cuddle and if I wanted to he'd let me carry him around all day long. He's happiest when he's by my side. And, last night he said "I love you" to me for the very first time. How can it get better than that?
Eva- My third and possibly last child. My first little girl:-) I can not get over how amazing she is. She is so small and beautiful. She sleeps best if she's cuddled up to mommy or daddy. She has the prettiest little smile (I don't care if it is "just gas" at this point, it's gorgeous!)And, when she looks up at me with her sweet little face I know that there isn't a thing in this world that I wouldn't do for her.
I love my babies. When I feel like lying down and giving up I look over at my angels and realize that they are my life. They are worth whatever I have to go through. They are reason enough for me to not just exist, but to actually live my life to the fullest. To find joy in "the small things" and realize that maybe they're not so small after all. Maybe that's what life is all about.

And, the worst mother of the year award goes to....

  Every time I get frustrated or down right mad at one of my kids and lose my temper I hate myself. The sound of my raised voice or the feeling on my hand after I swat one of their butts makes me cringe. I feel like the worst mother alive, the scum of the earth. Since, this happens at least once a day I always feel bad. Today was no exception.
  I woke up thinking to myself "This is gonna be a great day! I'm gonna be a great mom and make my kids a decent breakfast and take them to the library." I hopped out of bed and walked down stairs to find Mason sitting on the kitchen floor playing in a raw egg that he had somehow managed to get out of the fridge and smash on the floor. I shook my head, grabbed my boy, cleaned him off, and then cleaned the floor. Nothing was gonna ruin my mood or my day! I was determined!!....or so I thought.
  Fast forward a couple of hours to the library. We had only been there for about twenty minutes when my three year old, Ryan, had a major melt down, due to the fact that he couldn't find a train he wanted. I told him, nicely, multiple times to cut the crap or we were leaving. He obviously did not take me seriously and proceeded to start jumping and screaming....in a library!! I could sense the eyes of everybody else in the library on me as I scooped up Mason and proceeded to the check out line with Ryan in tow screaming bloody murder. I could feel my blood pressure rising with each ear splitting scream. Common sense told me to leave the movies and books behind and just leave as fast as I could, but my stubborn streak propelled me forward to the check out line, screaming child and all. I am pretty sure that everyone hated me as much as I hated me. As, the librarian checked out my books Ryan started screaming that I was not his mommy. Sheer humiliation filled me and I bent down, grabbed his face and told him to be quiet or he'd be getting spanked. At this point I was sure somebody had reached into their pocket, picked up their cell phone and dialed CPS....at the very least they probably wanted to. I could feel the tears start to fill my eyes as I walked out of the library. A little old lady stopped me to tell me that every parent has gone through this and not to worry about it. Bless her dear heart. If only she knew what I wanted to do to the screaming demon that took over my little boy. I smiled at her and bent my head down, because those  tears were gonna come at any moment. I got the kids in the car and sent out a text to my husband. Ryan, at this point, had not calmed down in the least. His screams had made Mason start to cry and those tears I had been trying so hard to hold back finally made it out of my eyes and down my cheeks. I was humiliated, exhausted and extremely angry with both myself and my son. I am ashamed to say that the text I sent out was to tell my husband that I hated our child. Yes, I actually said that I hated him. Luckily it was not to him, but still what was I thinking??! Who hates a three year old? Especially your own kid? I was a mess. And, the response I got did nothing to help. I took it as a "This is your own fault, because you stand in the way of me doing my job" response and, so I lashed out and sent out a nasty text to my husband. Jeez! I was on a roll. Now, I own two awards. Worst mother and worst wife. But, wait it gets worse. On my way out of the parking lot I realize that Ryan has left his sun glasses in the library and he's screaming about those now, so I pull back in and run into the library to look for them. Yep, I left my crying kids in the car. I get the glasses and as I'm leaving the librarians are all telling me how calm I am and how well I handled the situation. Apparently they think I'm some sort of angel mother. This makes me feel worse. They have no clue that I want to beat my child or that I just admitted to hating him to my husband. I get out of there as fast as I can. I feel so ashamed that I head over to McDonalds to buy Happy Meals and let the kids run around in the Play Place. Really?!! Since, when do parents reward their children for horrific behavior? Ever since I gave birth.
  Ryan is now completely calm and happy as a clam. He's playing nicely with all of the other children and telling me how happy he is and saying "Look, Mom, I'm not crying anymore. I'm a good boy are you proud?" I am thinking to myself 'Well, at least, we have established that I am indeed your mother', but instead of being sarcastic to a three year old I just nod and smile. He is happy. He won't remember the day he made his mother cry. He'll grow up just fine, so why ruin it? The only person who seems to be negatively effected by all of this is me. Why do I let things get so out of control? How can I be better? As, I'm asking myself these questions I realize that it's not Ryan's fault. He's three. He is learning how to act and react. His meltdowns and temper tantrums are all a part of growing up. They are his learning experiences. It's not my job to make him act like he's thirty when he's three, it's my job to help him learn a different way to vent his frustrations. Leaving the library was a good idea. He needs to know that there will always be consequences for your actions. You scream in a library then you will have to leave the library. Period. No amount of begging or screaming will change that. In my opinion (now), McDonalds was also a good choice. Once he calmed down and realized that there was no going back to the library the lesson was learned. I don't have to keep punishing him all day for the thing he did wrong in that moment.
  It's also not my husbands fault that I cried. He gave me an honest answer. That's what I'm always asking for, right? Honesty. It means more to me than sparing my feelings and stroking my "mommy ego". If you're not gonna be honest then good bye. Don't let the door hit you in the butt on your way out. I can't stand liars. This situation doesn't call for any less honesty than any other one. So, thank you, to him for opening my eyes to that.
  Everyday I learn something new and today I learned to give myself a little break. If I am always hating on myself or thinking how useless I am it's no wonder a small part of my child's growing up can make me cry. If I am gonna blame myself for the bad then I also need to take credit for the good...or at least partial credit. My kids are healthy, they are happy most of the time, they always want to be near me, they are comfortable in their own skin, they know exactly what they want and aren't easily swayed, they are great little teachers (you know teaching me patience, how to laugh at poop on the floor, and how to be a mommy) and best of all they love me and I love them.