Smile, what's the use in crying?

I was singing a sweet old song to my daughter as I was trying to rock her to sleep. I'm not sure why I always try to sing to her, because instead of putting her to sleep it usually makes her laugh....hard. In fact, like everybody else who has ever had the misfortune of listening to me sing, I think Eva would prefer it if I just kept my mouth shut.
Honestly, the only person who truly enjoys my singing is my son Mason...and he might be deaf. That boy would love it if I laid in bed next to him singing all night long while he snuggled next to me with his little arm wrapped around my neck. Ahh, how I love that little monster.
Back, to Eva. I was looking down at her chubby little face singing "Smile, though your heart is aching. Smile, even though it's breaking..." Of course at this point she is smiling...and laughing. And, I'm pretty sure it wasn't her heart that was aching...lol! That's when I began to think about what I was saying. Do I want her to fake a smile? Most parents would instantly say "No! I want my child to be "real" and "honest". But, why does sitting down and crying or moping around have to be the "real" way?
I have never been a huge cryer. I can remember the last time I had a good cry. It was more than six months ago. Now, I did read somewhere that crying is actually healthy for you and releases some sort of toxin through your tears, so occasionally when I'm really hurting I do try and squeeze out a few tears just so I don't die or something, but other than that I just don't cry. Quite frankly I feel a little selfish and stupid for crying when I have so much to be thankful for and when I think of other people who have it way worse than I do.
I kinda want to teach my daughter to keep her chin up. Things are gonna happen. That's life. Will there be times when she absolutely can not control the tears? Of course, and I will be there to help her dry them. Life is life and I won't be able to stop her from ever getting hurt. Inevitably there will be someone at some point who does her wrong, who breaks a promise and maybe her heart. Whether its a friend, a teacher, a boyfriend or even a family member. There will be tough situations and hard decisions to make, but if I can teach her to keep moving forward with that beautiful smile on her face then I will have done my job.

Ryan

So, my son, Ryan has been quite the little hellion lately. He has taken to hitting, spitting and mouthing off to me no matter what I say. If I try and discipline him he threatens me with bodily harm ("Mom, if you send me to my room then I'm gonna punch you in the eye!") or excommunicating me from his life ("I love you, but I just don't wanna be your son anymore." or the ever popular "Fine! You're not my best friend!"). It's tough as a parent to decide what the heck you're supposed to do. Do I spank him? Isn't that teaching him to hit when he's upset? Not, to mention sometimes the kid refuses to cry and then he taunts me about the fact that I couldn't make him cry or he yells that I'm not supposed to spank him for "accidents" and tries to spank me back. Do I do time outs? My kid could care less about time out. He'll sit there and talk to himself for five minutes. Do I just ignore it and hope that eventually the bad behavior will just disappear?
Unfortunately when you bring your baby home from the hospital...or your own bath tub...wherever you chose to give birth (give me the hospital and the epidural!) you don't get a manual on how to raise a human. Don't get me wrong tons of people have written books on feeding, teething, sleeping and even disciplining, but nobody out there has written a book specific to your child and your life's situations. I've read a few of these "helpful" books and nowhere have I found the section on how to deal with a four year old if he hawks a loogie in your eye (he got spanked AND sent to bed early for that one.).
So, imagine my surprise when, after a particularly trying day, I look over at my son in church and he is standing there with his eyes squeezed shut and his hands raised shouting praises to the Lord. I almost wanted to take pics and videos just to prove that he does indeed talk to God and not the devil. I mean the kid was really going at it. He was saying things like "Thank you, Jesus." and "I love you, Lord." and, my personal fave "I bow before your glory." What?! I bow before your glory? Where did he even hear that? This kid knows how to worship better than I do and I'm positive he made God smile tonight (thankfully, since he's probably been making Him weep all week).
Ryan's not all bad. I don't want to scare off any play dates you guys might have been thinking about ;-) He has many really lovable moments. He's always hugging me and telling me he loves me. He loves to dress up and put gel in his hair and a tie around his neck and then ask me if I think he looks "sharp"...lol! He's a really great big brother. He always makes Eva laugh and he loves to play with Mason and give him advice on how to be a good super hero. He loves to laugh!!!! I love laughing with him :-) But, what I love most about him is his confidence. Whether it's walking out of the house in a Larry Boy tie or standing his ground about something he wants or raising his hands in church, he does it with everything he's got. He's not shy or apologetic. I hope his confidence never leaves. I find it to be quite amazing and inspiring.
Anyways, it's times like these and the times when he wraps his little arms around my neck and plants one right on my mouth that I know, manual or not, I must be doing something right.

Which way is right?

It's been quite a while since I've blogged. I guess a big part of why I have not taken the time to sit down and update the few people that care to follow me is because I'm afraid of confusing them or coming off as bipolar. If you haven't noticed, my blog is pretty raw and about as real as it gets. I am a passionate human being. I can be passionately happy or passionately angry and I see no point in keeping things a secret or making myself or the life that I live seem like something it is not. I hate lies, I hate games and I hate fakes. I tend to blog at the height of whatever emotion I am feeling. I don't take the time to let things settle or to think things through, because of this I tend to end up going a different direction than I originally intended when I first write my blogs. If you are feeling confused or wondering if you should help me into a straight jacket this is why.
I probably get way too personal and share things that most would not want shared if it were them going through what I am. Probably the biggest thing I am going through right now is confusion. There are so many unanswered questions and so many things that I will never be able to understand or relate to. Honestly I'm glad that I don't get it, because if I ever do begin to understand how people could do this to each other then I will have reached a very dangerous point in my life.
I have to be very careful with every decision that I make, especially the ones concerning such a sensitive situation. I am a mother. I have three of the most beautiful children you will ever lay eyes on. My children mean more to me than I could ever begin to express. You parents reading this know what I mean. In fact as I type this I am holding my sleeping daughter in my arms and thinking that there is nothing on earth that I wouldn't do for her. I would literally die for her. Because of my three precious gifts I do not get to make any hasty decisions. Everything MUST be thoroughly thought through to ensure that I am doing what is best for them. They are the future. My actions today will dictate their actions tomorrow. In order to be the best mother that I can be I have to be aware of that every second of every day.
What is best today may not be what is best tomorrow or next week or a year from now. Today I am staying with my parents and giving my children a happy home and stability. Today the plan is to stay here until my husband has left for basic training and then to move back home. In the meantime my husband and I are trying to work through things. We are trying to see if we can make our marriage a forever thing, like we both originally intended. I really hope we can.
All I know for sure is that I'm gonna miss that boy so much when he is gone and that I will be praying for his safety every day and looking forward to every text message and phone call. I hope he misses me too and chooses to come back home to me and our children. I don't know what the future holds, but I can guarantee you that we are all gonna find out.

New year, new hopes.

When people ask me what my New Years resolution is I jokingly tell them that it's to not let 2012 suck as bad as 2011 did or I tell them that it's to become anorexic as soon as I'm done nursing...lol! Don't worry I wouldn't really starve myself, but I might try an all coffee diet. I hear it works great...kidding!
Anyways, back to last year really sucking. As bad as that year was for me I would rather learn from it than to completely forget about it. Plus, Eva was born, so it wasn't all bad. A lot of it was actually pretty good.
What can I take from 2011 to use for 2012? Well, for starters I could become more compassionate. You really have no clue what somebody else is going through. You couldn't possibly know what heartache hides behind their smile or their cocky attitude. A caring and thoughtful word or a quick hug will probably mean more than you will ever realize.
I would like to love more. You have to be a very brave person to love whole heartedly. You never know when your love might be rejected or taken advantage of. It's a risk we all take when we say "I love you" and really mean it. It's a risk I will always take. You're either gonna have all of me or none of me. I don't do anything half way. I would like to get rid of any cynicism, self doubt or self pity and just love people genuinely and completely.
I want to stop taking everything for granted. My family, my finances, a roof over my head, life...all of it could be gone in a split second. I never want to look back and wish that I had said " I love you" more, smiled more, hugged my babies more, said "Thank you" more, lived better. At the end of the day when I'm lying in bed and my eyelids are closing all on their own I want to know that I did my absolute best and loved the absolute most that I could. I never want to forget to thank God for every single thing that He has given me.
My hope for this year is simple. I want me and my kids and even my husband to be at peace. Whatever this year brings I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God is in control and that I don't have to worry about a thing. I would like to pass that knowledge down to my sweet babies, so that they know that they can live without fear of the unknown and be truly happy.

Christmas time is here!!

I am so glad that my kids are still too young to care about counting down the days til Christmas. I feel rushed enough without paper chains taunting me and millions of questions a day asking how many more days. In fact, Ryan made it perfectly clear to the girl cutting his hair that he did not want her talking about Santa or Christmas lists, when he threatened to poke her to death with the cactus he is hoping to get. Yes, my three year old wants a cactus and, yes he threatens people's lives with it...bless his heart.
Of course, I know how many days there are until Christmas, because that means there is one less day than that until my big shopping day. Yep, I do most of my Christmas shopping on Christmas Eve. How sad, right? Wrong. It is a little chaotic, but when isn't my life? With three small kids chaos rules my day, so I feel right at home at the overcrowded mall with no personal space. I think I like shopping this way because it forces me to get it done. There is no longer anytime to put it off or look for myself. I save money this way!! That's a plus! Lol.
This year I am actually ahead of the game. I have one child completely done and one child partially done. Only about 15 more people to go...woohoo!!!!
So, this Christmas Eve as your all making Christmas cookies and wrapping presents think of me running around the mall, knocking people over with my double stroller and trying to find that almost perfect gift that has already been pawed by millions of people.

Moving

Eva's clothes now hang where mine used to when I was growing up here at my parents house. I guess I'm back here, so that I can grow some more. It's weird. I never thought that my daughters clothes would be hanging in place of mine someday. I always imagined a big beautiful nursery with a huge walk-in closet. I never imagined four of us sharing one dresser and a tiny amount of space in the closet.
I always think I need more stuff until I have to move, then I'm ready to throw everything away! I still have to go back over to the other house and sort through all of their toys:-/ I guarantee at least half will be tossed out.
I hate moving! I always have. I would just like to find a place and be able to settle in for more than a year or two. I want my kids to have what I had growing up, which was stability. There hasn't been a whole lot of that in their short little lives, but I am hoping that one day soon I can give them that at the very least.
We won't have a lot. There won't be new furniture or a cool TV. My kids will probably never have their own rooms or the coolest toys, but there are a few things that I hope I can give my kids. I hope my kids know everyday how much I love them. I hope they feel secure. I hope they have peace. I hope that I can pass down self confidence. I hope that they will establish their own walk with God and live by faith.
I may not be able to give them very much materialistically, but if I can give them these things then they will be some of the richest people in the world.

Dad

  I have to say that through everything my dad has been my rock. Through every broken promise and every second chance (how many "second" chances can there really be?...lol) he has been there. He has held me while I cried and he has been the first one to make me laugh. He's not like most dads. He will always be there for you no matter what, but he won't let you feel sorry for yourself for very long. I like that about him. He pushes me forward instead of letting me wallow in my grief.

  For instance he came home last night and let me explain what happened without interrupting. He apologized and listened while I told him what my new "life plans" were. (Can you really even plan your life? I guess you can try.) Then he told me not to plan anything and just to wake up every morning and decide that day what I need to do and as soon as he was done saying that he starts talking about stuff that won't be happening anytime soon...lol. I quickly reminded him of his own advice and he laughed.

  He's pretty good at reading my emotions. When he first walked in he was gentle and understanding...for about ten mins and then the jokes started. Most people don't get that. They'd be horrified if they knew we were laughing about this, but I needed that. I need to be able to laugh. I can't let the bad things that happen steal my joy or my sense of humor and my dad knows that. So, when he headed up the stairs for bed and told me not to weep too loud because he needed his sleep I know that was him saying "I love you, kid. Hang in there." And, I will.

My dad and mom- Who could ask for better role models?