I am in an ornery mood, so if you are easily offended then please move on. Also, if my faith irritates you then, please, move on.
I am so sick and tired of this world! And, I'm tired of the people who think I should care what goes on here. I do NOT read or watch the news. What little I know comes from friends and family talking about it or tidbits from Facebook. If that makes me ignorant then so be it. I see absolutely no reason to have to hear about one more person killing somebody or one more child being sexually abused. This world makes me sick to my stomach! If I want to be able to sleep at night and take my children out in public without making them wear sheets over their heads then I can not waste my time absorbing this sick and twisted world.
Thank God for MY faith! Thank God that this is not it; this is NOT where my life ends. There IS something to look forward to; something to press towards. People think I'm pathetic for believing in a "story". Really? I'm pathetic for having faith in my God, whose miracles and signs and wonders have been very evident in my life since I was a young girl? But, you're not pathetic for not wanting more than this?? You're not pathetic for just accepting this filth as the best you'll ever get? Are you kidding me???
I am not a bible scholar. I can't sit here and quote scriptures that will somehow change your mind and make you believe. What I know, I know from experience. I know that it was God that raised my friend from the dead. I know that it was God that healed my smashed nose right in front of my eyes. I know that it's God that gives me the strength to get through the difficult times.
I'm not stepping on egg shells anymore. Nobody else does. I'm tired of taking a back seat to trash. It's not funny to see men disrespecting women or to see women wearing next to nothing out in public. It's not okay when parents swear at their kids or humiliate them in public. I'm done.
This world is NOT my home. I'm just passing through on my way to heaven!
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Monday, April 9, 2012
Crazy boys!
So, thinking over the past couple of days has made me realize that it's definitely time for another blog. In fact, I think I may be overdue for one. Let's start out by reliving Saturday's events. I woke up determined to get all of my errands done even though I knew all three kids had to come with me. I was a little nervous and stressed just thinking about it, but I pressed on. I got everyone out to the car and pulled out of the driveway, promising lunch at McDonalds if they behaved.
We pulled up to JoAnn Fabrics and Mason started his meltdown before we even left the vehicle. He's in that horrible stage where he wants to do everything himself, but he just can't. Rather than wait around watching him fumble with his seat belt I scooped him out and popped him in the cart. I was on a mission!!! I didn't let his wailing get to me. I just pushed through the store looking for what I needed. I refused to lose it when he climbed out of the moving cart and ran the opposite direction. I refused to lose it when he pulled stuff off the shelves and threw them into the cart. I even held my cool when my other son, Ryan, tried to pocket something. I grabbed what I needed and got the heck out of the store.
I decided it was lunch time and that McDonalds with a play place would be a perfect way for them to eat and run off some of that boundless energy. It started out okay. The boys ate and then took off for the large indoor "jungle gym" maze thingy and I sat back to relax over a double cheese burger. I did a pretty good job of pretending it was a salad and wouldn't hurt my midsection. That's when I heard the yells. Mase was upset about something. The high pitched screaming started. I got up to bring him back to the table. Herein lies the major problem. He was up pretty high and refusing to come down. In fact, he was in one of the "bridges" made out of material. At this point I just wanted to pack up and leave. I was done. I couldn't handle the screaming anymore or the other parents standing there watching like it was a show. That's when I hear it. The telltale coughing that means he's induced vomiting by screaming so hard. I jump out of the way just in time. It's raining throw up in McDonalds and some people were not lucky enough to get out of the way in time. Yes, my child hurled on a few of the other patrons :-/ Do I even bother apologizing?? I throw Eva in her car seat, climb up to get my child, tell the manager my kid got sick and hightail it outta there. I've never seen a play place clear out so quickly.
In the car I call up my husband and yell into the phone that he has 15 mins to get up and get ready. Mason is his for the day! I'm through! He handled my raving mad rant like a champ. I dropped both boy off and it only took me sitting in the parking lot of Wegmans, staring off into space for forty-five mins before I was ready to finish my errands.
Now, we're at Sunday. My son Ryan was supposed to be singing with his preschool class for our Sunday morning service. The song they were gonna be singing was "Jesus loves me". Ryan had already tried to protest during one of his practices. He told his teacher he didn't like that song and wanted to sing "Deep and Wide". He then proceeded to tell her that his mouth couldn't sing the song of her choice and while all the other kids were practicing the correct song he was belting out his pick. All I can say is thank God for Easter. After trying to practice with him all morning and him refusing to give me the time of day I resorted to threatening to take away his basket if he purposely messed up the song. Well, my threats and me singing Jesus Loves Me the entire way to church must have really inspired him, because he sang all the right words...loudly. He even took it upon himself to move from the second row to the first row and press his lips right against the mic. All you could hear was my kid shouting out Jesus Loves Me......and people laughing :-/ A few people have taken to calling him The Star...bless their hearts.
As you can see there is rarely a dull moment. I have a drama king and a star performer on my hands. Maybe one day they can take their love of theatrics and make momma some major bucks ;-)
We pulled up to JoAnn Fabrics and Mason started his meltdown before we even left the vehicle. He's in that horrible stage where he wants to do everything himself, but he just can't. Rather than wait around watching him fumble with his seat belt I scooped him out and popped him in the cart. I was on a mission!!! I didn't let his wailing get to me. I just pushed through the store looking for what I needed. I refused to lose it when he climbed out of the moving cart and ran the opposite direction. I refused to lose it when he pulled stuff off the shelves and threw them into the cart. I even held my cool when my other son, Ryan, tried to pocket something. I grabbed what I needed and got the heck out of the store.
I decided it was lunch time and that McDonalds with a play place would be a perfect way for them to eat and run off some of that boundless energy. It started out okay. The boys ate and then took off for the large indoor "jungle gym" maze thingy and I sat back to relax over a double cheese burger. I did a pretty good job of pretending it was a salad and wouldn't hurt my midsection. That's when I heard the yells. Mase was upset about something. The high pitched screaming started. I got up to bring him back to the table. Herein lies the major problem. He was up pretty high and refusing to come down. In fact, he was in one of the "bridges" made out of material. At this point I just wanted to pack up and leave. I was done. I couldn't handle the screaming anymore or the other parents standing there watching like it was a show. That's when I hear it. The telltale coughing that means he's induced vomiting by screaming so hard. I jump out of the way just in time. It's raining throw up in McDonalds and some people were not lucky enough to get out of the way in time. Yes, my child hurled on a few of the other patrons :-/ Do I even bother apologizing?? I throw Eva in her car seat, climb up to get my child, tell the manager my kid got sick and hightail it outta there. I've never seen a play place clear out so quickly.
In the car I call up my husband and yell into the phone that he has 15 mins to get up and get ready. Mason is his for the day! I'm through! He handled my raving mad rant like a champ. I dropped both boy off and it only took me sitting in the parking lot of Wegmans, staring off into space for forty-five mins before I was ready to finish my errands.
Now, we're at Sunday. My son Ryan was supposed to be singing with his preschool class for our Sunday morning service. The song they were gonna be singing was "Jesus loves me". Ryan had already tried to protest during one of his practices. He told his teacher he didn't like that song and wanted to sing "Deep and Wide". He then proceeded to tell her that his mouth couldn't sing the song of her choice and while all the other kids were practicing the correct song he was belting out his pick. All I can say is thank God for Easter. After trying to practice with him all morning and him refusing to give me the time of day I resorted to threatening to take away his basket if he purposely messed up the song. Well, my threats and me singing Jesus Loves Me the entire way to church must have really inspired him, because he sang all the right words...loudly. He even took it upon himself to move from the second row to the first row and press his lips right against the mic. All you could hear was my kid shouting out Jesus Loves Me......and people laughing :-/ A few people have taken to calling him The Star...bless their hearts.
As you can see there is rarely a dull moment. I have a drama king and a star performer on my hands. Maybe one day they can take their love of theatrics and make momma some major bucks ;-)
Saturday, February 25, 2012
Smile, what's the use in crying?
I was singing a sweet old song to my daughter as I was trying to rock her to sleep. I'm not sure why I always try to sing to her, because instead of putting her to sleep it usually makes her laugh....hard. In fact, like everybody else who has ever had the misfortune of listening to me sing, I think Eva would prefer it if I just kept my mouth shut.
Honestly, the only person who truly enjoys my singing is my son Mason...and he might be deaf. That boy would love it if I laid in bed next to him singing all night long while he snuggled next to me with his little arm wrapped around my neck. Ahh, how I love that little monster.
Back, to Eva. I was looking down at her chubby little face singing "Smile, though your heart is aching. Smile, even though it's breaking..." Of course at this point she is smiling...and laughing. And, I'm pretty sure it wasn't her heart that was aching...lol! That's when I began to think about what I was saying. Do I want her to fake a smile? Most parents would instantly say "No! I want my child to be "real" and "honest". But, why does sitting down and crying or moping around have to be the "real" way?
I have never been a huge cryer. I can remember the last time I had a good cry. It was more than six months ago. Now, I did read somewhere that crying is actually healthy for you and releases some sort of toxin through your tears, so occasionally when I'm really hurting I do try and squeeze out a few tears just so I don't die or something, but other than that I just don't cry. Quite frankly I feel a little selfish and stupid for crying when I have so much to be thankful for and when I think of other people who have it way worse than I do.
I kinda want to teach my daughter to keep her chin up. Things are gonna happen. That's life. Will there be times when she absolutely can not control the tears? Of course, and I will be there to help her dry them. Life is life and I won't be able to stop her from ever getting hurt. Inevitably there will be someone at some point who does her wrong, who breaks a promise and maybe her heart. Whether its a friend, a teacher, a boyfriend or even a family member. There will be tough situations and hard decisions to make, but if I can teach her to keep moving forward with that beautiful smile on her face then I will have done my job.
Honestly, the only person who truly enjoys my singing is my son Mason...and he might be deaf. That boy would love it if I laid in bed next to him singing all night long while he snuggled next to me with his little arm wrapped around my neck. Ahh, how I love that little monster.
Back, to Eva. I was looking down at her chubby little face singing "Smile, though your heart is aching. Smile, even though it's breaking..." Of course at this point she is smiling...and laughing. And, I'm pretty sure it wasn't her heart that was aching...lol! That's when I began to think about what I was saying. Do I want her to fake a smile? Most parents would instantly say "No! I want my child to be "real" and "honest". But, why does sitting down and crying or moping around have to be the "real" way?
I have never been a huge cryer. I can remember the last time I had a good cry. It was more than six months ago. Now, I did read somewhere that crying is actually healthy for you and releases some sort of toxin through your tears, so occasionally when I'm really hurting I do try and squeeze out a few tears just so I don't die or something, but other than that I just don't cry. Quite frankly I feel a little selfish and stupid for crying when I have so much to be thankful for and when I think of other people who have it way worse than I do.
I kinda want to teach my daughter to keep her chin up. Things are gonna happen. That's life. Will there be times when she absolutely can not control the tears? Of course, and I will be there to help her dry them. Life is life and I won't be able to stop her from ever getting hurt. Inevitably there will be someone at some point who does her wrong, who breaks a promise and maybe her heart. Whether its a friend, a teacher, a boyfriend or even a family member. There will be tough situations and hard decisions to make, but if I can teach her to keep moving forward with that beautiful smile on her face then I will have done my job.
Friday, February 3, 2012
Ryan
So, my son, Ryan has been quite the little hellion lately. He has taken to hitting, spitting and mouthing off to me no matter what I say. If I try and discipline him he threatens me with bodily harm ("Mom, if you send me to my room then I'm gonna punch you in the eye!") or excommunicating me from his life ("I love you, but I just don't wanna be your son anymore." or the ever popular "Fine! You're not my best friend!"). It's tough as a parent to decide what the heck you're supposed to do. Do I spank him? Isn't that teaching him to hit when he's upset? Not, to mention sometimes the kid refuses to cry and then he taunts me about the fact that I couldn't make him cry or he yells that I'm not supposed to spank him for "accidents" and tries to spank me back. Do I do time outs? My kid could care less about time out. He'll sit there and talk to himself for five minutes. Do I just ignore it and hope that eventually the bad behavior will just disappear?
Unfortunately when you bring your baby home from the hospital...or your own bath tub...wherever you chose to give birth (give me the hospital and the epidural!) you don't get a manual on how to raise a human. Don't get me wrong tons of people have written books on feeding, teething, sleeping and even disciplining, but nobody out there has written a book specific to your child and your life's situations. I've read a few of these "helpful" books and nowhere have I found the section on how to deal with a four year old if he hawks a loogie in your eye (he got spanked AND sent to bed early for that one.).
So, imagine my surprise when, after a particularly trying day, I look over at my son in church and he is standing there with his eyes squeezed shut and his hands raised shouting praises to the Lord. I almost wanted to take pics and videos just to prove that he does indeed talk to God and not the devil. I mean the kid was really going at it. He was saying things like "Thank you, Jesus." and "I love you, Lord." and, my personal fave "I bow before your glory." What?! I bow before your glory? Where did he even hear that? This kid knows how to worship better than I do and I'm positive he made God smile tonight (thankfully, since he's probably been making Him weep all week).
Ryan's not all bad. I don't want to scare off any play dates you guys might have been thinking about ;-) He has many really lovable moments. He's always hugging me and telling me he loves me. He loves to dress up and put gel in his hair and a tie around his neck and then ask me if I think he looks "sharp"...lol! He's a really great big brother. He always makes Eva laugh and he loves to play with Mason and give him advice on how to be a good super hero. He loves to laugh!!!! I love laughing with him :-) But, what I love most about him is his confidence. Whether it's walking out of the house in a Larry Boy tie or standing his ground about something he wants or raising his hands in church, he does it with everything he's got. He's not shy or apologetic. I hope his confidence never leaves. I find it to be quite amazing and inspiring.
Anyways, it's times like these and the times when he wraps his little arms around my neck and plants one right on my mouth that I know, manual or not, I must be doing something right.
Unfortunately when you bring your baby home from the hospital...or your own bath tub...wherever you chose to give birth (give me the hospital and the epidural!) you don't get a manual on how to raise a human. Don't get me wrong tons of people have written books on feeding, teething, sleeping and even disciplining, but nobody out there has written a book specific to your child and your life's situations. I've read a few of these "helpful" books and nowhere have I found the section on how to deal with a four year old if he hawks a loogie in your eye (he got spanked AND sent to bed early for that one.).
So, imagine my surprise when, after a particularly trying day, I look over at my son in church and he is standing there with his eyes squeezed shut and his hands raised shouting praises to the Lord. I almost wanted to take pics and videos just to prove that he does indeed talk to God and not the devil. I mean the kid was really going at it. He was saying things like "Thank you, Jesus." and "I love you, Lord." and, my personal fave "I bow before your glory." What?! I bow before your glory? Where did he even hear that? This kid knows how to worship better than I do and I'm positive he made God smile tonight (thankfully, since he's probably been making Him weep all week).
Ryan's not all bad. I don't want to scare off any play dates you guys might have been thinking about ;-) He has many really lovable moments. He's always hugging me and telling me he loves me. He loves to dress up and put gel in his hair and a tie around his neck and then ask me if I think he looks "sharp"...lol! He's a really great big brother. He always makes Eva laugh and he loves to play with Mason and give him advice on how to be a good super hero. He loves to laugh!!!! I love laughing with him :-) But, what I love most about him is his confidence. Whether it's walking out of the house in a Larry Boy tie or standing his ground about something he wants or raising his hands in church, he does it with everything he's got. He's not shy or apologetic. I hope his confidence never leaves. I find it to be quite amazing and inspiring.
Anyways, it's times like these and the times when he wraps his little arms around my neck and plants one right on my mouth that I know, manual or not, I must be doing something right.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Which way is right?
It's been quite a while since I've blogged. I guess a big part of why I have not taken the time to sit down and update the few people that care to follow me is because I'm afraid of confusing them or coming off as bipolar. If you haven't noticed, my blog is pretty raw and about as real as it gets. I am a passionate human being. I can be passionately happy or passionately angry and I see no point in keeping things a secret or making myself or the life that I live seem like something it is not. I hate lies, I hate games and I hate fakes. I tend to blog at the height of whatever emotion I am feeling. I don't take the time to let things settle or to think things through, because of this I tend to end up going a different direction than I originally intended when I first write my blogs. If you are feeling confused or wondering if you should help me into a straight jacket this is why.
I probably get way too personal and share things that most would not want shared if it were them going through what I am. Probably the biggest thing I am going through right now is confusion. There are so many unanswered questions and so many things that I will never be able to understand or relate to. Honestly I'm glad that I don't get it, because if I ever do begin to understand how people could do this to each other then I will have reached a very dangerous point in my life.
I have to be very careful with every decision that I make, especially the ones concerning such a sensitive situation. I am a mother. I have three of the most beautiful children you will ever lay eyes on. My children mean more to me than I could ever begin to express. You parents reading this know what I mean. In fact as I type this I am holding my sleeping daughter in my arms and thinking that there is nothing on earth that I wouldn't do for her. I would literally die for her. Because of my three precious gifts I do not get to make any hasty decisions. Everything MUST be thoroughly thought through to ensure that I am doing what is best for them. They are the future. My actions today will dictate their actions tomorrow. In order to be the best mother that I can be I have to be aware of that every second of every day.
What is best today may not be what is best tomorrow or next week or a year from now. Today I am staying with my parents and giving my children a happy home and stability. Today the plan is to stay here until my husband has left for basic training and then to move back home. In the meantime my husband and I are trying to work through things. We are trying to see if we can make our marriage a forever thing, like we both originally intended. I really hope we can.
All I know for sure is that I'm gonna miss that boy so much when he is gone and that I will be praying for his safety every day and looking forward to every text message and phone call. I hope he misses me too and chooses to come back home to me and our children. I don't know what the future holds, but I can guarantee you that we are all gonna find out.
I probably get way too personal and share things that most would not want shared if it were them going through what I am. Probably the biggest thing I am going through right now is confusion. There are so many unanswered questions and so many things that I will never be able to understand or relate to. Honestly I'm glad that I don't get it, because if I ever do begin to understand how people could do this to each other then I will have reached a very dangerous point in my life.
I have to be very careful with every decision that I make, especially the ones concerning such a sensitive situation. I am a mother. I have three of the most beautiful children you will ever lay eyes on. My children mean more to me than I could ever begin to express. You parents reading this know what I mean. In fact as I type this I am holding my sleeping daughter in my arms and thinking that there is nothing on earth that I wouldn't do for her. I would literally die for her. Because of my three precious gifts I do not get to make any hasty decisions. Everything MUST be thoroughly thought through to ensure that I am doing what is best for them. They are the future. My actions today will dictate their actions tomorrow. In order to be the best mother that I can be I have to be aware of that every second of every day.
What is best today may not be what is best tomorrow or next week or a year from now. Today I am staying with my parents and giving my children a happy home and stability. Today the plan is to stay here until my husband has left for basic training and then to move back home. In the meantime my husband and I are trying to work through things. We are trying to see if we can make our marriage a forever thing, like we both originally intended. I really hope we can.
All I know for sure is that I'm gonna miss that boy so much when he is gone and that I will be praying for his safety every day and looking forward to every text message and phone call. I hope he misses me too and chooses to come back home to me and our children. I don't know what the future holds, but I can guarantee you that we are all gonna find out.
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
New year, new hopes.
When people ask me what my New Years resolution is I jokingly tell them that it's to not let 2012 suck as bad as 2011 did or I tell them that it's to become anorexic as soon as I'm done nursing...lol! Don't worry I wouldn't really starve myself, but I might try an all coffee diet. I hear it works great...kidding!
Anyways, back to last year really sucking. As bad as that year was for me I would rather learn from it than to completely forget about it. Plus, Eva was born, so it wasn't all bad. A lot of it was actually pretty good.
What can I take from 2011 to use for 2012? Well, for starters I could become more compassionate. You really have no clue what somebody else is going through. You couldn't possibly know what heartache hides behind their smile or their cocky attitude. A caring and thoughtful word or a quick hug will probably mean more than you will ever realize.
I would like to love more. You have to be a very brave person to love whole heartedly. You never know when your love might be rejected or taken advantage of. It's a risk we all take when we say "I love you" and really mean it. It's a risk I will always take. You're either gonna have all of me or none of me. I don't do anything half way. I would like to get rid of any cynicism, self doubt or self pity and just love people genuinely and completely.
I want to stop taking everything for granted. My family, my finances, a roof over my head, life...all of it could be gone in a split second. I never want to look back and wish that I had said " I love you" more, smiled more, hugged my babies more, said "Thank you" more, lived better. At the end of the day when I'm lying in bed and my eyelids are closing all on their own I want to know that I did my absolute best and loved the absolute most that I could. I never want to forget to thank God for every single thing that He has given me.
My hope for this year is simple. I want me and my kids and even my husband to be at peace. Whatever this year brings I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God is in control and that I don't have to worry about a thing. I would like to pass that knowledge down to my sweet babies, so that they know that they can live without fear of the unknown and be truly happy.
Anyways, back to last year really sucking. As bad as that year was for me I would rather learn from it than to completely forget about it. Plus, Eva was born, so it wasn't all bad. A lot of it was actually pretty good.
What can I take from 2011 to use for 2012? Well, for starters I could become more compassionate. You really have no clue what somebody else is going through. You couldn't possibly know what heartache hides behind their smile or their cocky attitude. A caring and thoughtful word or a quick hug will probably mean more than you will ever realize.
I would like to love more. You have to be a very brave person to love whole heartedly. You never know when your love might be rejected or taken advantage of. It's a risk we all take when we say "I love you" and really mean it. It's a risk I will always take. You're either gonna have all of me or none of me. I don't do anything half way. I would like to get rid of any cynicism, self doubt or self pity and just love people genuinely and completely.
I want to stop taking everything for granted. My family, my finances, a roof over my head, life...all of it could be gone in a split second. I never want to look back and wish that I had said " I love you" more, smiled more, hugged my babies more, said "Thank you" more, lived better. At the end of the day when I'm lying in bed and my eyelids are closing all on their own I want to know that I did my absolute best and loved the absolute most that I could. I never want to forget to thank God for every single thing that He has given me.
My hope for this year is simple. I want me and my kids and even my husband to be at peace. Whatever this year brings I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God is in control and that I don't have to worry about a thing. I would like to pass that knowledge down to my sweet babies, so that they know that they can live without fear of the unknown and be truly happy.
Friday, December 16, 2011
Christmas time is here!!
I am so glad that my kids are still too young to care about counting down the days til Christmas. I feel rushed enough without paper chains taunting me and millions of questions a day asking how many more days. In fact, Ryan made it perfectly clear to the girl cutting his hair that he did not want her talking about Santa or Christmas lists, when he threatened to poke her to death with the cactus he is hoping to get. Yes, my three year old wants a cactus and, yes he threatens people's lives with it...bless his heart.
Of course, I know how many days there are until Christmas, because that means there is one less day than that until my big shopping day. Yep, I do most of my Christmas shopping on Christmas Eve. How sad, right? Wrong. It is a little chaotic, but when isn't my life? With three small kids chaos rules my day, so I feel right at home at the overcrowded mall with no personal space. I think I like shopping this way because it forces me to get it done. There is no longer anytime to put it off or look for myself. I save money this way!! That's a plus! Lol.
This year I am actually ahead of the game. I have one child completely done and one child partially done. Only about 15 more people to go...woohoo!!!!
So, this Christmas Eve as your all making Christmas cookies and wrapping presents think of me running around the mall, knocking people over with my double stroller and trying to find that almost perfect gift that has already been pawed by millions of people.
Of course, I know how many days there are until Christmas, because that means there is one less day than that until my big shopping day. Yep, I do most of my Christmas shopping on Christmas Eve. How sad, right? Wrong. It is a little chaotic, but when isn't my life? With three small kids chaos rules my day, so I feel right at home at the overcrowded mall with no personal space. I think I like shopping this way because it forces me to get it done. There is no longer anytime to put it off or look for myself. I save money this way!! That's a plus! Lol.
This year I am actually ahead of the game. I have one child completely done and one child partially done. Only about 15 more people to go...woohoo!!!!
So, this Christmas Eve as your all making Christmas cookies and wrapping presents think of me running around the mall, knocking people over with my double stroller and trying to find that almost perfect gift that has already been pawed by millions of people.
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