My loves

  So, at the moment I am feeling pretty emotional, because my daughter will be turning one next month and I feel like I'm losing my sweet little baby. Pretty soon she will be walking, talking and going through the terrible two's...ugh! Lol. As, I was walking her around the room tonight to help her fall asleep I couldn't help but to stare at her sweet little face and smile. Usually, when I am trying to get my babies to fall asleep I try to make as little eye contact as possible, because I want them to realize that it's night-night time, not time to socialize...haha! But, I just couldn't help it tonight! And, sure enough when her little eyelids fluttered open for a brief second, like they do right before you doze off, she caught me staring at her and she started giggling. Her cute little half asleep baby laugh made me start to laugh, so we just stared at each other laughing....and then it was back to square one trying to get her to sleep...lol! But, I wouldn't give up that moment with my daughter for all the sleep in the world. She doesn't know it yet, but she came into the world at just the right time. In the midst of chaos and confusion, Eva was my reason to smile.
  I am also so completely in love with my two growing boys. Ryan and Mason. I can't believe that I have a 4 year old and a two year old! Wow...time really does fly. Ryan makes me laugh every day! Right now he is fascinated by people smoking. He doesn't understand it. Every time he sees somebody puffing away he asks me (very loudly) why they want to die. I try and pull him away before he can say anything else, but sometimes he's just too quick. I literally cringe and brace myself every time we walk into a store or visit family who smoke. Today as we were leaving the library there was a woman smoking outside and he literally stopped and just stared at her and I could tell he was about to start asking her questions, so I quickly whisked him off to the car. I have tried explaining that adults can do whatever they want, even if it's not healthy, but he doesn't want to hear it. He really wants to know why they are killing themselves. He has had conversations with adults who smoke and luckily they have been very nice about it, trying to explain about addictions and being very compliant when he tells them not to get their smoke near his mommy or Eva, but I know one day he's gonna say something to the wrong person and get me into a fight...LOL! I guess I'll just keep smiling and apologizing.
  Mason, Mason, Mason...that boy is crazy! Today he nearly gave me a heart attack by climbing out of the car window and on to the roof while I was trying to buckle the other two in. I look up to see his feet dangling. Sometimes he makes me wonder why I even bother going out in public with the kids. But, then he'll come up and wrap his sticky little arms around me and kiss me on the neck and I know why I haven't given him up for adoption...yet ;-)
  They don't realize it, but they will someday when they have children of their own, that they are the reason I have never given up. On my baddest days they are the reason I know love exists.

45 days

It has been 45 days, since I last saw my husband. 45 days since he kissed me and the kids good bye and headed off to Fort Benning, GA. I can't believe that I have made it this long without him. We have been writing letters back and forth, since he doesn't get much phone time and I gotta say that it's pretty neat. It's almost like we are dating again, except that I get that excited butterfly in the stomach feeling when I see the post man pull up, not when I see Brad pull up...LOL! Getting his letters is the highlight of my week. It's what gets me through and holds me together.
  The kids and I are back in our house now and things have been going pretty well. I'm not scared like I thought I'd be. I can actually sleep upstairs with the lights out ;) At first it was a little depressing to be back; to smell the scent of Brad's body wash drifting from the bathroom and knowing that it would eventually go away, because he wasn't here anymore to keep the scent "alive". It hurt a lot to put all the kids to bed at night and then go into my empty bedroom and sleep alone in the bed that I have shared with my husband for the past 6 and a half years or so. I had feelings from resentment to anger to regret. But, I can honestly say that at this point those feelings of loneliness have dulled a little and I am no longer angry. Things have been pretty good around here, considering my bff isn't with me at the moment. I am learning a new way of life and instead of trying to fight it and becoming exhausted in the process, I am embracing it and accepting it. It's so much easier to just let go and live day by day rather than constantly worrying about the future.
  I gotta say that I am so proud of my Brad. I told him that if he was gonna do this then he was gonna do it right! No giving up and dropping out. No just barely getting by. Either do it good or don't do it at all. So, far he is doing amazing and he is loving it. My boy went from being a computer geek and couch potato to running two miles in 17 mins and 23 seconds (which is passing), climbing up a 16 foot rope (if that doesn't seem hard then YOU do it!) and becoming a sharp shooter (look it up, some of these guys didn't even pass their Basic Riffle Marksmanship test). He is sticking to it and finishing what he started and that is HUGE for him. He is going out of his comfort zone and learning new things. He is accomplishing things that he never thought he'd be able to do. He is becoming a man that his children can look up to. All I ever wanted was for him to be proud of himself and to be happy and it looks like that is finally happening.
  I miss him more than mere words could ever express. If you are happily married then you can probably understand how I feel. If you are not married then imagine trying to get by without an arm or a leg. Imagine trying to do just every day things without something that you have grown so dependent on and maybe even started to take for granted. After a while you'd learn a new way to accomplish all those old things, but you'd still wish that that piece of you wasn't missing.
  So, here's to the next 27 days and making time fly by until I get to hold my very own soldier, my hero,  in my arms again. Brad Charles Wolff, I love you to the moon and back!

See ya soon!!

Well, I just dropped my favorite boy off to become a soldier. I knew this day was coming since last August when I drove him to the recruiting office. I was hot, swollen and nine months pregnant. Brad was determined to do something worthwhile with his life. I was determined to pretend that this wasn't actually happening.
There are two things I never ever wanted to be when I was growing up. Those two things are a preacher's wife and a soldier's wife. To be quite frank I'm a little on the selfish side and a lot on the controlling side, neither of which will do for these two extremely sacrificial jobs. I want my husband home with me on the nights and weekends and I don't want him to be responsible for everyone else's problems, but most of all I just want him to be safe.
I know he's my husband, but I have had the heart of a mother for about four years now, so I worry like one and I'm afraid he'll get lonely or hurt. I hope he makes friends easily and loves his job.
There are so many things that I wish I had done. For starters I wish I had embraced this whole army thing a whole lot sooner. I wish I had read up on things and familiarized myself with all of the terms and tried harder to understand what is actually going on. I wish I had saved out money to send him off with things like stamps/paper/pens. I wish I had helped our sons write out little notes and make cards to send him off with. I wish I had made special daddy picture books for the kids, especially for Eva, who I hope will remember him. I wish I had gotten up early and made a huge family breakfast. There are so many things that I should have done differently instead of just ignoring the inevitable. The most I can do is try harder starting today.
Lastly, I just wanna say how much I love Brad and how proud I am of him for following through and doing what he believes is best. It won't be easy and I won't always like what's happening and what I have to give up, BUT I will always have my husband's back and he will always have my heart.

Faith

I am in an ornery mood, so if you are easily offended then please move on. Also, if my faith irritates you then, please, move on.
I am so sick and tired of this world! And, I'm tired of the people who think I should care what goes on here. I do NOT read or watch the news. What little I know comes from friends and family talking about it or tidbits from Facebook. If that makes me ignorant then so be it. I see absolutely no reason to have to hear about one more person killing somebody or one more child being sexually abused. This world makes me sick to my stomach! If I want to be able to sleep at night and take my children out in public without making them wear sheets over their heads then I can not waste my time absorbing this sick and twisted world.
Thank God for MY faith! Thank God that this is not it; this is NOT where my life ends. There IS something to look forward to; something to press towards. People think I'm pathetic for believing in a "story". Really? I'm pathetic for having faith in my God, whose miracles and signs and wonders have been very evident in my life since I was a young girl? But, you're not pathetic for not wanting more than this?? You're not pathetic for just accepting this filth as the best you'll ever get? Are you kidding me???
I am not a bible scholar. I can't sit here and quote scriptures that will somehow change your mind and make you believe. What I know, I know from experience. I know that it was God that raised my friend from the dead. I know that it was God that healed my smashed nose right in front of my eyes. I know that it's God that gives me the strength to get through the difficult times.
I'm not stepping on egg shells anymore. Nobody else does. I'm tired of taking a back seat to trash. It's not funny to see men disrespecting women or to see women wearing next to nothing out in public. It's not okay when parents swear at their kids or humiliate them in public. I'm done.
This world is NOT my home. I'm just passing through on my way to heaven!

Crazy boys!

So, thinking over the past couple of days has made me realize that it's definitely time for another blog. In fact, I think I may be overdue for one. Let's start out by reliving Saturday's events. I woke up determined to get all of my errands done even though I knew all three kids had to come with me. I was a little nervous and stressed just thinking about it, but I pressed on. I got everyone out to the car and pulled out of the driveway, promising lunch at McDonalds if they behaved.
We pulled up to JoAnn Fabrics and Mason started his meltdown before we even left the vehicle. He's in that horrible stage where he wants to do everything himself, but he just can't. Rather than wait around watching him fumble with his seat belt I scooped him out and popped him in the cart. I was on a mission!!! I didn't let his wailing get to me. I just pushed through the store looking for what I needed. I refused to lose it when he climbed out of the moving cart and ran the opposite direction. I refused to lose it when he pulled stuff off the shelves and threw them into the cart. I even held my cool when my other son, Ryan, tried to pocket something. I grabbed what I needed and got the heck out of the store.
I decided it was lunch time and that McDonalds with a play place would be a perfect way for them to eat and run off some of that boundless energy. It started out okay. The boys ate and then took off for the large indoor "jungle gym" maze thingy and I sat back to relax over a double cheese burger. I did a pretty good job of pretending it was a salad and wouldn't hurt my midsection. That's when I heard the yells. Mase was upset about something. The high pitched screaming started. I got up to bring him back to the table. Herein lies the major problem. He was up pretty high and refusing to come down. In fact, he was in one of the "bridges" made out of material. At this point I just wanted to pack up and leave. I was done. I couldn't handle the screaming anymore or the other parents standing there watching like it was a show. That's when I hear it. The telltale coughing that means he's induced vomiting by screaming so hard. I jump out of the way just in time. It's raining throw up in McDonalds and some people were not lucky enough to get out of the way in time. Yes, my child hurled on a few of the other patrons :-/ Do I even bother apologizing?? I throw Eva in her car seat, climb up to get my child, tell the manager my kid got sick and hightail it outta there. I've never seen a play place clear out so quickly.
In the car I call up my husband and yell into the phone that he has 15 mins to get up and get ready. Mason is his for the day! I'm through! He handled my raving mad rant like a champ. I dropped both boy off and it only took me sitting in the parking lot of Wegmans, staring off into space for forty-five mins before I was ready to finish my errands.
Now, we're at Sunday. My son Ryan was supposed to be singing with his preschool class for our Sunday morning service. The song they were gonna be singing was "Jesus loves me". Ryan had already tried to protest during one of his practices. He told his teacher he didn't like that song and wanted to sing "Deep and Wide". He then proceeded to tell her that his mouth couldn't sing the song of her choice and while all the other kids were practicing the correct song he was belting out his pick. All I can say is thank God for Easter. After trying to practice with him all morning and him refusing to give me the time of day I resorted to threatening to take away his basket if he purposely messed up the song. Well, my threats and me singing Jesus Loves Me the entire way to church must have really inspired him, because he sang all the right words...loudly. He even took it upon himself to move from the second row to the first row and press his lips right against the mic. All you could hear was my kid shouting out Jesus Loves Me......and people laughing :-/ A few people have taken to calling him The Star...bless their hearts.
As you can see there is rarely a dull moment. I have a drama king and a star performer on my hands. Maybe one day they can take their love of theatrics and make momma some major bucks ;-)

Smile, what's the use in crying?

I was singing a sweet old song to my daughter as I was trying to rock her to sleep. I'm not sure why I always try to sing to her, because instead of putting her to sleep it usually makes her laugh....hard. In fact, like everybody else who has ever had the misfortune of listening to me sing, I think Eva would prefer it if I just kept my mouth shut.
Honestly, the only person who truly enjoys my singing is my son Mason...and he might be deaf. That boy would love it if I laid in bed next to him singing all night long while he snuggled next to me with his little arm wrapped around my neck. Ahh, how I love that little monster.
Back, to Eva. I was looking down at her chubby little face singing "Smile, though your heart is aching. Smile, even though it's breaking..." Of course at this point she is smiling...and laughing. And, I'm pretty sure it wasn't her heart that was aching...lol! That's when I began to think about what I was saying. Do I want her to fake a smile? Most parents would instantly say "No! I want my child to be "real" and "honest". But, why does sitting down and crying or moping around have to be the "real" way?
I have never been a huge cryer. I can remember the last time I had a good cry. It was more than six months ago. Now, I did read somewhere that crying is actually healthy for you and releases some sort of toxin through your tears, so occasionally when I'm really hurting I do try and squeeze out a few tears just so I don't die or something, but other than that I just don't cry. Quite frankly I feel a little selfish and stupid for crying when I have so much to be thankful for and when I think of other people who have it way worse than I do.
I kinda want to teach my daughter to keep her chin up. Things are gonna happen. That's life. Will there be times when she absolutely can not control the tears? Of course, and I will be there to help her dry them. Life is life and I won't be able to stop her from ever getting hurt. Inevitably there will be someone at some point who does her wrong, who breaks a promise and maybe her heart. Whether its a friend, a teacher, a boyfriend or even a family member. There will be tough situations and hard decisions to make, but if I can teach her to keep moving forward with that beautiful smile on her face then I will have done my job.

Ryan

So, my son, Ryan has been quite the little hellion lately. He has taken to hitting, spitting and mouthing off to me no matter what I say. If I try and discipline him he threatens me with bodily harm ("Mom, if you send me to my room then I'm gonna punch you in the eye!") or excommunicating me from his life ("I love you, but I just don't wanna be your son anymore." or the ever popular "Fine! You're not my best friend!"). It's tough as a parent to decide what the heck you're supposed to do. Do I spank him? Isn't that teaching him to hit when he's upset? Not, to mention sometimes the kid refuses to cry and then he taunts me about the fact that I couldn't make him cry or he yells that I'm not supposed to spank him for "accidents" and tries to spank me back. Do I do time outs? My kid could care less about time out. He'll sit there and talk to himself for five minutes. Do I just ignore it and hope that eventually the bad behavior will just disappear?
Unfortunately when you bring your baby home from the hospital...or your own bath tub...wherever you chose to give birth (give me the hospital and the epidural!) you don't get a manual on how to raise a human. Don't get me wrong tons of people have written books on feeding, teething, sleeping and even disciplining, but nobody out there has written a book specific to your child and your life's situations. I've read a few of these "helpful" books and nowhere have I found the section on how to deal with a four year old if he hawks a loogie in your eye (he got spanked AND sent to bed early for that one.).
So, imagine my surprise when, after a particularly trying day, I look over at my son in church and he is standing there with his eyes squeezed shut and his hands raised shouting praises to the Lord. I almost wanted to take pics and videos just to prove that he does indeed talk to God and not the devil. I mean the kid was really going at it. He was saying things like "Thank you, Jesus." and "I love you, Lord." and, my personal fave "I bow before your glory." What?! I bow before your glory? Where did he even hear that? This kid knows how to worship better than I do and I'm positive he made God smile tonight (thankfully, since he's probably been making Him weep all week).
Ryan's not all bad. I don't want to scare off any play dates you guys might have been thinking about ;-) He has many really lovable moments. He's always hugging me and telling me he loves me. He loves to dress up and put gel in his hair and a tie around his neck and then ask me if I think he looks "sharp"...lol! He's a really great big brother. He always makes Eva laugh and he loves to play with Mason and give him advice on how to be a good super hero. He loves to laugh!!!! I love laughing with him :-) But, what I love most about him is his confidence. Whether it's walking out of the house in a Larry Boy tie or standing his ground about something he wants or raising his hands in church, he does it with everything he's got. He's not shy or apologetic. I hope his confidence never leaves. I find it to be quite amazing and inspiring.
Anyways, it's times like these and the times when he wraps his little arms around my neck and plants one right on my mouth that I know, manual or not, I must be doing something right.