Just nice.

  When I was a little girl my father said something to me that has stuck with me ever since and as I have gotten older I have noticed it to be quite true. My dad pointed out that people can never seem to give a compliment or honor someone without also mentioning something negative. Ever since that day I have looked and listened for people to just say something positive and it very rarely happens. It's always "Even though my husband annoys me I love him" or "My kids drive me up the wall, but they are so cute" or " I just want to honor my parents even if even though we didn't always get along". I have been guilty of doing this myself and it really bothers me.
  Bottom line we are all human, we all screw up...a lot. We have all hurt someone, annoyed someone, messed up, etc. But, how many of us want that thrown in our face? Why can't we escape it even during a "compliment"? What drives us to point out everyone else's flaws, masking it with a smile on our face and a nice word or two? What's the problem with pointing out the positive and just swallowing down the rest? We might actually start to really like people if we weren't so concentrated on what's "wrong" with them.

  I for one am going to make a conscious effort to give real compliments, to make people smile and not wonder if I really do like them or not and I'll start right here. My husband is my best friend and the love of my life. Every day that I wake up I feel really lucky to have him. Just this morning I was laying in bed wondering how the heck I got him. He's patient with me and he makes me smile a lot. He's worth everything to me and I would do anything for him just to see him smile. I love making him happy and making him laugh. I will always support him no matter what we come up against and I will always have his back. I will always be the girl that loves him the most. We are a team and we will be on the same team for forever.
  It's not hard to speak positively, especially when it's about those that you love. Try it.

Accomplishing the little things.

 Well, friends I have met my goal of starting to drive myself around. I really had no choice when I decided that I needed to continue with Mason's speech therapy here in Alaska. Back in New York the company that we were working with sent the therapists out to your home, but here in Alaska they don't have enough resources to do that, so despite my irrational fear of learning my new surroundings and getting behind the wheel of our vehicle without any passenger side help from Brad I had to get out and get going. And, I'm so glad that I did!! I feel like I have a new freedom and as silly as this sounds I get so proud of myself when I reach a new destination. I always text Brad to let him know that I made it and that I'm not lost or dead and because he is so amazing he always acts like he is so happy for me...lol! I always get a "Yea!" or "Awesome, babe!" text back from him and it makes me giggle, because I feel like one of the kids, who needs positive reenforcement just to get simple tasks done, but I don't care...it works!

  When I first got here it was all about comparing the differences of Alaska and New York. New York has better malls, the city area is nicer, the fast food is better..LOL!..etc. But, since living here I have come to love the scenery. Back in Rochester when driving to the store I didn't have beautiful snow capped mountains to look at. To the left are some pics that I took while driving home from church last night (let's not waste time worrying about if I pulled off to the side of road before breaking out the iPhone to snap some pics.).  It's beautiful!! When I first got here Brad told me the view would get old, but it hasn't yet and I hope it never does. The other thing that New York doesn't have is Brad, my absolute favorite person in the whole world. Even if Alaska didn't have the beauty of it's majestic mountains it would still be better than New York, because it holds my heart.     

Eva the Diva: My heart and soul

  I always wanted a daughter. Just one. One perfect little girl that I could have fun playing dress up with and go on mommy/daughter dates to get pedicures and eat coffee ice cream. My first two babies were boys and I loved them to pieces. They were perfect. Happy, healthy, chubby babies. But, when I found out I was pregnant for a third time all of that "I just want a healthy baby" nonsense goodness went out the window. I wanted a girl, darnit! And, I got her.
  I don't even know how to put into words what Eva Grace means to me. Saying I feel lucky or blessed just doesn't seem to accurately describe the overwhelming love I have for her. She is everything I ever dreamt of. She is funny, smart, beautiful, outgoing, stubborn...simply lovely. She also talks with a little lisp that is to die for. I find myself making her say words with the letter "s" in them, just so I can hear it and feel my heart smile. How can I not take out my phone and snap a picture when she poses herself on top of her diapers (see above) and says "Cheesthe!"
  Today we went to the store. I had so much to get, I had been putting it off for a while and so I did what any insane mother would do..I let my 19 1/2 month old daughter walk around. She actually did really well and she loved it! She had so much fun pointing out everything that she thought was "Cute!" (her new favorite word) . I had so much fun watching her that I didn't realize what a hellion Mason was being until I looked up and saw another mother staring in disbelief and possibly disgust with her two kids sitting perfectly in the cart staring at my kids (wishing their mom was cool enough to let them run in circles around the aisle, I'm sure). I smiled sheepishly and scooped up Eva while yelling at Mason to hold onto the shopping cart and stop running around. I made a beeline for the check out, no need to entertain the the confused and disturbed public any longer. I mean really? Children out of the cart having a little fun?? The horror!
  Once we finished checking out a nice young man helped us out to the car and Eva was smitten. She was staring at him pointing out how "Cute!" he was and she even threw an "Awe!" in there. It's moments like that that I realize how much payback I have coming to me for the way I was as a child. She might be trouble when she's older and I may or may not believe in locking my children in their rooms until the teen years pass, but right now she's my little angel face and she can pretty much do no wrong.
  I hope that one day when she is grown we can remain close and form a friendship. I hope that she looks up to me and thinks I'm a great mom, but most of all I hope she'll be able to look back on her childhood and time spent at home and be able to feel all of love that I have for her and I hope that she will know that she was and is an answer to a prayer that I held in my heart for a long while.

Don't mind the nudist in the background. All of his important parts are covered.

Alaska

  It has been quite a while since I've blogged. I feel like so much has happened! For one, I finally made it to Alaska...whoohoo!...miracles really DO happen. I've actually been here for a month and a half. It took the army four months from when my husband walked on post to get us here and lets just say I was not a happy camper. But, I have to say that it was worth the wait. I love being here and being a family again. I love watching my daughter interact with her daddy. She has him wrapped around her little finger and she knows it. It was a little bit of an adjustment for the boys and it took a few weeks for Mason to stop calling our home "daddy's new house" and for Ryan to stop looking at Brad out of the corner of his eye wondering when he was gonna disappear again, but all in all we are all doing really good.
  Army life is not for the faint of heart and I am learning that I may have a fainter heart than I thought...lol! I seem to have become a new person and I'm pretty sure that I hate her. I think part of my problem is the extreme fear that I have of getting lost in Alaska, so I stay in the house a lot and keep to myself, which is no good, because I am a big people person and thrive best in a crowd. Being home all the time makes me feel depressed and anxious, so I have set a personal goal for myself to drive to church by myself starting in April... and maybe even Target *gasp!*...lol! I need to learn my way around somehow and being less dependent on Brad would be a good thing. I mean, I love leaning on my husband, but he's not gonna be here during deployments and other missions, so I'm gonna have to swallow my fears and learn how to read a map.
  I would also like to take this time to say that if you notice a few blog posts missing it is because I have removed them. The bottom line is that there are going to be people in and out of your life for your whole life and the amazing ones that stick around forever are bound to disappoint us occasionally, as we are them, but who are we to put them on blast and air all of their dirty laundry? I have a bad habit of speaking and/or writing when I am upset and then I hide behind the idea that if these people didn't want everyone knowing how they hurt me then they shouldn't have done it and this is just part of the consequences of extremely stupid decisions on their part, but who am I to deal out "punishments"? I have a choice and that is to stick around and allow them to remain a part of my life or I can get the heck out. I for one do not want the people I love under the scrutiny of others, because of something I have said or done.
  So, here's to turning over a new leaf and living our lives in a new home, a very happy home :-)

Unsung hero.

"I cannot think of any need in childhood as strong as the need for a father's protection."
- Sigmund Freud

"A good father is one of the most unsung, unpraised, unnoticed, and yet one of the most valuable assets in our society."
-Billy Graham




It is no secret that most of the time mothers get way more credit than fathers do. Go down any card aisle and you will find a million Mother's Day cards, but not even half as many Father's Day cards. Look at your Facebook newsfeed on Mother's Day and compare it to the newsfeed you see on Father's Day. This is because mothers usually spend much more of their day with the children than fathers do and generally play a much bigger role in the lives of their offspring.
You also always hear of deadbeat fathers or fathers who were really never in the picture at all, other than that one crucial night, but you rarely ever hear a positive story about the men who had a hand in raising us. Fathers are almost villainized in this society.
But, I believe that fatherhood is just as important as motherhood. I, for one, have an amazing father. I have never known a better man. He has been right by my side through every thing that I have gone through. The good and the bad, he's always there. And, I know many other men who have stepped up to the plate and taken their role of daddy seriously. Men, who don't get to spend as much time with their kids as they would like, because they are out working and providing for their families, so that mothers, like myself, can stay home. Men, like my husband. Brad has not seen our children in almost two months and before that it had been four months. He has missed birthdays, holidays and milestones. But, it is because of his sacrifice and his determination to do right by our family that I have been able to stay home with our children. That is not a deadbeat father, that is the ultimate daddy, a hero.
I have seen the differences in children who have had a positive male role model in their lives and those who have not. When you have an awesome father you stand taller, you're not afraid, you are secure, you have confidence, you are kinder and you smile more.
I am truly grateful for every man out there that has taken a stand to be the best father that he can be, a father that works hard and plays harder, a father that lightens the mood and brightens the room as soon as he enters it, a father who is the biggest and strongest daddy in the world, who can defeat any monster under the bed or chase away any bad dream. You are amazing and you are cherished. Your children and the mother of your children are better for having you in their lives. Thank you.

For the momma's.

Do you ever feel like you're an imposter, like you're not really a mom or maybe like you shouldn't be? Do you ever wonder how badly you're messing up your kid(s)? Do you ever wish that you could just be better, maybe like your own mother or another mother that you know? I do. All the time. Sometimes I wonder if people look at me and think "That lady should be fired! Worst babysitter ever!" Two things happened to me this week that kinda put those negative thoughts to rest....at least for a little while :-)
The first thing happened at church on Tuesday night. I was rounding up the kids, trying to get them to settle down and behave for the service. I was thinking how tired I was and how messy I must look. I was hissing at the littles and threatening spankings, while simultaneously promising treats if they would just be quiet. I heard someone calling my name and I turned around with a fake smile plastered to my face. It was a couple, who also have three children a few years older than mine. They told me how they had been watching me the past few services and were amazed at how well I handle the kids and they said I was just glowing and so beautiful. My first thought was to go take a pregnancy test...LOL! Only pregnant women glow, right?! Haha. But as they continued to tell me how wonderful I was and what a great mom I was I started to feel happy and gain confidence in myself as a mother and a lady. But, of course as soon as you start to really think about what just happened the doubts start to come. Like "Maybe they just felt sorry for me" or "They were just being nice because of the holidays." But, those doubts didn't have long to sink in, because the very next day as I was leaving the pharmacy and thinking how hyper the kids were and wondering why I couldn't manage them better I had a complete stranger stop me. I had just finished buckling all the kids into the car and sent a silent prayer up to heaven to give me the strength to get through three kids having pink eye and needing eye drops three times a day for at least five days. When I opened my eyes there was a lady standing there watching me, waiting for the chance to talk to me. She started to smile and she told me what an awesome thing I was doing raising my kids. She told me she knew how hard it was and how she knew that sometimes mothers second guess themselves and wonder if they are fighting a losing battle, but that one day we will see all of our hard work and time and dedication pay off. She said she had six grown children and that they thank her for being there and tell her of things that she did that really helped them that she never thought they would remember. She told me to hang in there and to never regret the sacrifice and hard work, because one day my kids will be grown and they will thrive because of me. And, then she said one thing that I will never forget, she said "I just wanted you to know that I'm routing for you and that I'll be cheering you on." I didn't really know what to say, I didn't know how to tell her what her words meant to me or how thankful I was that she had taken the time to stop and speak words of encouragement to a complete stranger. So, I just smiled and said Thank you. I don't know if she realizes what she did that day, maybe she does, maybe somebody did the same thing for her at one time, but that day she gave this momma the courage to not give up, the courage to do more than just mindlessly float through my day changing diapers and brushing teeth and waiting for something more.
So, I wanted to pass this on to all you wonderful, hard working momma's out there. To the moms with husbands who get to come home at night, to the moms whose husbands are far away working, to the moms who have to go out and work, to the moms who stay home all day with their babies, to the single moms and to the women who may not be biological moms, but who touch a child's life just the same. You are perfect, you are God sent, you are doing the absolute most important thing in the world and I am cheering for you.

Unrest

So many things have been swirling around in my brain. This post probably won't make sense, but I need to get it out.
Brad has been gone for a week now, not too long. I've obviously dealt with worse, but I have been unusually crabby lately. Crabby to the point that Ryan asks me why I hate him and felt the need to announce to everyone on Sunday that "Mom's just grumpy because she's bleeding." Gee, thanks Ryan :-/ Honestly, "mom's" just tired. I'm tired of doing this alone and always feeling behind. It doesn't matter what it is I'm behind on it. Exercise, laundry, bills, sleep...behind!
Then there's Alaska. I feel like it's just a heavy weight hanging over my head waiting to drop. I mean, are we actually ever gonna get there?? Do I even want to go? Ugh :-/ It's part of the US, but we have to treat it like its overseas and jump through hoops just to get there. I just want to hurry up and get there before some deployment takes my husband away and I have to wait another year to see him!! Is that asking too much?! Apparently it is.
Another rub I have is how the army sensationalizes EVERYTHING!! As, you read in a previous post the whole family day/graduation thing was a bust, but anything you ever read is about how great it is and how all the drill sergeants actually really like you and want the best for you...LOL!!!! Not true!
But, it's been like that with everything. It's like they thrive on our disappointment. They tell you one thing and then something completely different takes place. They make it seem like you'll be getting all this extra money for going to an "overseas" base and then once you get there you find out it isn't exactly true. And, everything is so unorganized! You'll have two or three different people telling you something completely different about the same thing. Just get your facts straight! How hard is that??
I think what's really bugging me is that before when Brad was gone I had a specific date to count down to. I knew when I'd be seeing him again. I had something to look forward to. A date to meet goals by. Now, I have nothing. No idea of long this process will take. It's eating away at me, making me restless and anxious; a grumpy mother and an unsympathetic friend. I hate being this way.
I normally end these things with an epiphany of sorts, a "light bulb" moment where I realize how great life is and how much the people in my life mean to me, but today I got nothing. Today I'm just hanging out in limbo wondering if I'm even headed in the right direction. Today I'm just sad.